Beautiful Accident
by momentofbored
Summary: Chapter 16 now up : Post NFA. Could it be... Shanshu? BAngel!
1. Prologue: Of Makeshift Stakes

Prologue

"He's dead?" Buffy asked dully before Giles even opened his mouth.

The older man blinked, just once, and then nodded. "Yes."

She swallowed hard, but other than that gave no indication that she had heard him say anything out of the ordinary, turning away from his concerned gaze to look out the window at the sun. Giles looked at her back for a long moment, waiting for her to speak, but as minutes passed and she didn't he turned around in resignation, beginning to walk out the door.

"Well, since the world isn't over," she said, just a touch of the sarcasm she'd wielded so lightly in high school creeping back into her voice, "can I at least assume he made the other guys look worse?"

"Y-yes," Rupert said slowly, before beginning to babble. "He- that is to say, there seems to have been a sacrifice of some kind… of himself, I mean- he-he had written a goodbye, he hadn't told the others- he hoped they would survive-"

"Typical," Buffy said dully, still not turning to face him. "What about Wesley?"

"Dead."

"Another sacrifice?" she inquired lightly, but he heard the pain behind the words.

"I'd- rather not discuss the details-" and he felt rather than saw her cringe.

"Gotcha," she said sharply, still staring determinedly out the window. "Spike?" she inquired through clenched teeth, hating that she even cared, hating that she could not bring herself to just forget him.

Giles opened his mouth to give an explanation, and then thought better of it, saying simply, once again, "Dead."

"Dead," she echoed dully, clutching onto the windowsill like it was a lifeline and fighting not to let her knees buckle, fighting to stop the emotions threatening to make her scream and collapse.

"Buffy, you must realize that there was nothing-"

"No, considering Angel didn't even see fit to tell me that the apocalypse- or WHATEVER- was coming- AGAIN- I do realize there was nothing I could do," she said, voice cracking slightly as silent tears she was grateful he couldn't see slid down her face, willing herself to feel anger, anything but the pain. "Instead he screwed me over- AGAIN- and I had to spend the past 24 hours hoping against hope that he wasn't dead- even though I FELT that he was- until you got back from LA and could tell me for sure that you found his- what did you even find?" she asked, sharply. "His ashes?"

"This," Giles said simply, tossing a ring through the air, unsurprised as she reached an arm back and caught it without even trying, still staring out the window."

"Where did he keep it?" she asked, fingering the claddagh with fascination, amazed that he still had it when hers had been lost so long ago, despite her best efforts still able to recall the exact tenor of his voice when he had explained its meaning to her- and unable to stop that voice from echoing through her head, the tentative smile he'd given her when-

"He-" Giles coughed awkwardly. "That is to say- he was wearing it."

Buffy unconsciously bit down on her lip hard enough to draw blood, fighting with every ounce of self control she possessed to stop herself from asking which way it had been turned, realizing in her head that Giles would never know the answer and neither would she.

"Typical," she muttered again. "He thinks he can wear this on the night he dies but he can't be troubled to pick up the phone and say 'Hey, you know how you and all those other slayers you released into the world don't really have anything so do tonight? Well, why don't you-

"Buffy…" Giles cut her off gently, "I've never approved of his methods- no, well, I suppose that's a lie," Giles muttered, talking more to himself than her before shaking his head, seeming to snap out of it as he said with more conviction, "But surely you realize that every breath Angel took- or, ah, didn't take- was to protect you."

"Yeah," she whispered, clenching her fist at her side. "Too bad he never realized the right way to do that."

"Buffy-"

She took a deep breath, forced the silent tears to stop even though she couldn't stop her voice from cracking, ever so slightly. "Giles- could I have some time alone, maybe?"

"Certainly," he replied at once, coughing awkwardly. "Take- take all the time you need. But- you should know- his sacrifice was largely in vain. He's not managed to stop what was planned, only delay it. We will need to take action-"

Her lower lip trembled. "Big surprise. He tries to protect me and only made it worse," she muttered too softly for him to hear, rolling her eyes before turning to face him, head held high. "I understand," she said firmly. "I'll… try not to take too much time."

"I know you will."

---

5 years later

New York City

"Oh God, please stop," Buffy muttered more to herself than to the screaming child in her arms, bouncing him up and down ineffectually as a buzzer went off from the front of the small apartment.

"Weird," she muttered, "I didn't think I put anything in the microwave" before she heard the noise again and realized it was the doorbell. She frowned, puzzled as to who would possibly be calling on her at this hour- or really at all- then tensed, setting the baby haphazardly down and sighing as she heard a tiny voice call "mommy?" from the cramped room to her right,

"Not now, Willow!" she snapped so harshly that the little girl started to cry and she shot her daughter an apologetic look she knew she wouldn't understand as she shut the door to the tiny bedroom and looked around for something she cold use as a stake, sighing as she had to sacrifice a picture frame and doing so as quickly as possible, trying not to think about it, wincing at the smiling faces in the picture, knowing he would have been upset to see her destroy the frame- it had been his mother's. Could almost hear him saying 'Now is that really necessary?' and laughingly encouraging her to break off the table leg instead-

But that would have been back when they could afford another table.

She shook her head to clear it, cursing her traitorous mind as she slowly inched toward the door, which was now being knocked on almost- timidly.

_Guess maybe I'm not gonna need this after all,_ she thought warily as she cursed the fact that there was no peephole in the pathetic excuse for an apartment-

"Who is it?" she cried, frowning when she got no answer and deciding after a moment of thorough contemplation that it couldn't really hurt anything to open the door, since if it were a vampire it wasn't invited and if it were a demon-

She bit her lip. _Yeah, maybe not the best idea to open the door-_

And then the knock came again, accompanied by someone saying her name, very weakly.

Her frown deepened and she bent her knees slightly, assuming a defensive stance as she opened the door, saying "You know, unless someone died, it's a little late for house calls" before her mouth slammed shut and she dropped the stake she'd been holding with practiced ease, despite the fact that she'd been officially forbidden to wield one for over a year-

"How about resurrections," she heard him ask as though from very far away, and even through her haze she could tell that, though the words were spoken lightly, his tone was anything but.

"I don't-" she began, suddenly feeling dizzy, and taking a step backward out of some bizarre preservation instinct. "Who are you?"

He looked down, then right at her before beginning slowly, "I spent the whole time it took me to get here," he paused, then shook his head "trying to think about what you might say or do. Lots of things occurred to me- that you might stake me with no questions asked, that you might scream or cry or slam the door in my face- but it never occurred to me that you might not know me."

She gulped, took a step forward, stopped. "I- you- it's just not possible that- I mean-" she gulped, trying to compose herself. "Angel?"

Chapter One can be found here: http/momentofbored. 


	2. Chapter One: You Can't Come In

ONE

She looked at him for an endless moment, eyes wide, and he watched the emotions play across her face in exquisite and conflicting waves. "I don't-" she began, then stopped, shaking her head. "This must be a trick, I don't understand-" then snapped her mouth shut, expression closing off as she decided it might not be a good idea to let him know what she was thinking.

She turned her back to him and he blinked in confusion as she fought to compose herself, shaking her head almost violently before turning to face him once more.

"You look the same," she said brashly after staring him down for a long moment, deciding to go with the 'I feel and am thinking nothing' approach, wishing only that she could be so good at fooling herself as she'd become at fooling everyone else.

"You look-" he paused, taking in her appearance and despite everything she had to fight not to laugh at the comical expression on his face as he snapped his mouth shut.

"I think the words you're looking for are 'like shit'" she said harshly, trying not to feel self-conscious under his gaze and pulling awkwardly downward on the bulky sweater she was wearing. "I'm not blind. I know this hasn't been my best year." She shrugged. "Anyway, I'm older, and that tends to lead to making friends with the wrinkle police-"

"What year is it?" he asked abruptly and her head snapped back slightly despite herself as she realized that if this was really happening _this is not really happening, this is in no way really happening_ he wouldn't know.

"I don't know. How old do I look?" she near-taunted, bitter smirk reappearing on her face as she marveled at her own masochism.

He studied her carefully and despite herself she felt herself growing hot under his intense scrutiny. "I'd say that if you were actually eating you'd look about 26," he said shrewdly, and she could hear the disapproval in his voice, rolled her eyes in order to keep him from knowing she felt anything at all at his censure, frowning as she belatedly realized it probably would have been better to let him believe she hadn't even noticed it. "Which would probably put you at about " he paused, eyes narrowing before saying definitively, "28 or 29."

She blinked, just once, inordinately surprised _but then he always did nail the details-_ "Well then, mister intelligence, come up with a year," she said with more vehemence than she felt, angry for reasons she didn't fully understand.

He blinked, as well, just once, exactly as she had, clearly surprise at her answer, the anger behind it. "2009."

"Bull's-eye," but the snap had gone from her voice and suddenly she was just very, very tired. "I don't suppose you- if it really is you- have any idea how you got here?"

"Um- well, I walked-" he began brow furrowing slightly before he realized that she meant in a more all encompassing sense. "Oh. No. I don't know how…or why.. I assume there must have been a ritual-"

"Meaning that someone wants you here to either serve the greater good or greater evil, and with the way the world's gone to hell-" she frowned, "in a bordering-on-literal sense- I'd guess the latter. Great news."

He shook his head slowly. "Yeah. Great news."

Her brow furrowed and she tilted her head slightly, looking a him with a sort of sad expression that he couldn't quite place, didn't quite understand.. "I hope you didn't…" then she paused, beginning again, "I hope that- if it is you- you didn't come to me thinking that I could help you. I-to tell you the truth, I can't even help myself anymore."

His brow furrowed again at the tone of her voice, so foreign and final and _defeated_. He chose to focus on something else, saying softly, "Buffy. You must know it's me."

She shook her head, lower lip trembling slightly despite her best efforts. "Convince me."

"How?"

She shook her head again. "I don't know. Tell me something."

"I don't know what-"

"Yeah, big surprise. I guess it must be you, stoic silence and all," she muttered, then closed her eyes, willing herself to just stop. "I'm sorry," she said with effort, "This is just-"

"I know. It is for me too." And something resembling empathy flashed in her eyes as she started to laugh.

"You know, one thing we'll always have in common," she giggled almost-hysterically and he tried to decide whether her abrupt outburst was a good or a bad thing "no one can ever just let us stay dead," and he ventured a small smile back at her, daring to ask,

"May I come in?"

Her hesitant laughter died at once as she near screamed, frantically "NO! GOD NO, DON'T COME IN!"

"Mommy!" came a small voice from behind the closed bedroom door, snapping Buffy back to reality as she said quickly, levelly, "Stay in there, Willow, mommy's fine," completely missing the confusion and agony that briefly flashed across Angel's face in her momentary distraction.

"You have a daughter," he said lightly and she nodded, forehead creasing slightly, but she was unable to keep a small note of pride from her voice as she half-smiled.

"Yeah. I have a little boy, too."

"So you- you named her Willow. I'm sure that- the other Willow was flattered that you-"

"Willow's dead," Buffy said abruptly, her fragile smile shattering as she cut him off sharply.

His jaw dropped slightly and pain was evident on his face as he shook his head, not knowing where to begin. "Buffy I'm-"

"Whatever, SO over it," she said with a casualness she hoped he wouldn't realized she didn't feel.

Angel wasn't fooled but let it pass, looking down at the ground, then up again, unable to stop himself from asking the question anymore that he was able to keep the slightly jealous note from his voice. "Who's their father?"

"Does it matter?" she asked coldly before shaking her head, eyes offering an apology she wasn't certain he'd see there before she took a deep breath. "He's dead, too," she amended softly, despite herself unable to make this utterance lightly, looking downward so she wouldn't need to meet his eyes, and he couldn't bring himself to ask anything else, her borderline cruelty suddenly making far more sense.

"Was it-" he hesitated, asking the first thing that came to mind, "recent?"

She nodded wordlessly and he would have had to be blind to miss the tears that were threatening to fall from her eyes.

"Buffy-" he tried, reaching out a tentative hand.

She shook her head, taking a needless step backward. "Please don't. It's fine. They're all dead; I'm used to it now."

"All? You- you mean your friends," he said slowly and she rolled her eyes, annoyance temporarily supplanting her pain as she snapped,

"No, Angel, all my multiple husbands."

He blinked at her for a long moment before venturing, "That was sarcasm, right?" as she rolled her eyes not unkindly, offering a smile that didn't nearly reach her eyes.

"Yes. Sarcasm. That was." There was an awkward pause and he hesitated before attempting to break it.

"Well, I- anyway, I'm-"

"Yeah, you're sorry, I know," she said, voice reacquiring its edge, surprised as he shook his head.

"No. I mean, yes, I am, but what I was going to say was that I'm sure your children are beautiful."

Her jaw dropped, then closed, and she hated him, hated herself for her inability to hate him, hated how he always said the things that she-

"Yeah, thanks," she said dully, shaking her head as a single tear finally fell down her cheek and hating that she couldn't stop it. "Too bad they got stuck with such a bad mother."

"I'm sure you're not-"

"Oh Angel, I REALLY am," she said, shaking her head, telling herself to stop talking even as her lips continued to move. "I should never have had kids. It was so-"

"Buffy-" he said and at his voice snapped her mouth snapped shut, guarded expression coming over her face again.

"How did you find me?" she asked, switching subjects abruptly, amazed when he just shook his head.

"I- just knew."

"You JUST KNEW to look between19th Avenue and-" she began incredulously before biting her lower lip contemplatively, muttering more to herself than him, "but then, since when did anything ever make sense?" She turned her attention back to him. "Well, okay then," she continued with a shrug, brow furrowing. "I think we need a plan of action," and he fought not to slump in relief as a flash of the girl he'd used to know came through. Buffy paced back and forth for a moment before deciding to perch on the arm of the sofa, biting her lip contemplatively.

"Can I come in?" he asked again, hating that had to, and stunned as she jumped up again, shaking her head vehemently.

"Buffy, I swear-"

"I- it's not your fault," she said rapidly. "I- I just REALLY can't ask you in."

"I don't-"

"Angel, a lot has changed since you died," she said in a rush. "I shouldn't even be talking to you; which honestly wouldn't bother me- I mean, you're probably getting that I've changed a lot, here, but I'm happy to report that my 'fuck authority' mindset remains intact, which is sort of why I'm in this mess to begin with, I guess," she babbled, "but it might get my children killed, which, I mean, hello! obviously SO not okay. I can't ask you in because the people who are in charge now have complicated magiks working all over the major cities. There's a spell on the entranceways, if I ask you in they'll know the force field has been breached and-" at his confused and relieved expression _why is he relieved? because it's not personal that I'm making his stand outside or because instead of acting crazy in my new and special way I'm… well, acting crazy in my old and special way…_ she shut her mouth, shaking her head and continuing dully, "It's a miracle you managed to get here without being killed. And you need to leave before they realize you're here, and the longer I talk to you the greater the chance they'll realize I've been tainted-"

He blinked in confusion. "Tainted?"

"Though with any luck," she continued, despite herself starting to babble again, 'They'll just assume _again_ that it's because I had sex with you and Spike so long ago, especially since they think you're dead- Angel it's so important that they don't realize you're not dead-"

"Buffy, what's going on here?" he asked her gently. "Tell me." And as her mouth flew open again he added, "Slowly."

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	3. Chapter Two: Hero Complexes

TWO

"I think," Buffy said slowly… gazing almost self-consciously at the open door whose threshold he could not cross, "maybe we should go somewhere else…" she shot an agonized glance toward the still-closed bedroom door and he could read her eyes like she'd spoken, flashing variations of _what am I doing with kids I can't do it I can't _over and over again before she squared her narrow shoulders determinedly, saying simply, as she made a visible effort to pull herself together that was almost painful for him to watch, "Meet me on the roof in ten minutes."

He nodded. "I'll be waiting."

---

She came up behind him exactly 10 minutes later, and he felt her presence long before she actually spoke, waited for her to begin, which she did only after long moments of indecisive silence, and then only to say,

"I don't even know how to-"

He felt a sharp flash of annoyance, turning to face her, and he almost instantly lost his irritation, pity flashing through him as it suddenly hit him how thin she'd really become, the fact that the light was gone from her eyes. _I guess it could be worse- at least she's still bitter, it would probably be worse if she was… well, catatonic, that would be worse-_ Discomforted by his thoughts he looked down at the ground, trying to bring his unexpected emotions under control before venturing, "Why don't I just as you questions and we can sort of- I mean, hopefully the pieces will fall into place naturally that way," cringing as he saw her shiver and wishing he had a coat to offer her, knowing there was no way her own threadbare clothing were doing any kind of good at all-

She nodded, looking at him expectantly and he hated how, even after all these years, even with all her attitude and bitterness and loss she still looked at him like she had absolute faith in his ability to make it all okay. Hated that, despite all the times she'd said she didn't trust him her eyes screamed only absolute trust whenever she looked at him-

And as though she cold read his mind, she whispered quietly, unexpectedly, "I wanted to tell you I didn't mean it," as his head jerked back and he wondered if he'd somehow spoken aloud.

Playing dumb he just shook his head, feigning confusion, grateful that she didn't make him speak as she continued, "I was- when I heard that you were- that you had- I was… all I could think that I was never going to have the chance to tell you that I didn't mean it."

He shook his head again, confusion genuine now, wondering if she was trying to tell him that she'd never loved him and if so why she was choosing now of all moments. "Buffy?" he asked hesitantly and she turned from him, looking down at the city as she continued. "Those things I said to you-"

"Buffy, you never-"

"I did!" she said vehemently, snapping around to face him, eyes flashing. "I could have said a lot of things to you that you would have deserved, I still haven't forgiven you for some of-" she shook her head almost disgustedly before continuing. "But when I knew you were-" she gulped, "dead, and I had to think you might have died thinking that I didn't-"

"Buffy, you were a child when you said those things," he interrupted her, taking a step toward her and surprised as she matched that step with one of her own, not away from him but closer.

"Not enough of a child that I didn't know what I was saying," she retorted firmly, to her shame unable to be offended by his assessment of her teenaged mental state as she shook her head, forcing herself to meet his eyes. "There was- there is no excuse. And besides, how are you even sure you know-"

He ventured a wary smile. "And if I don't know what you're talking about? Were you planning on repeating what you said then for old time's sake?"

She smiled back despite herself, surprised to be biting back a genuine giggle as she shook her head no. "I guess you've got me there."

Their eyes locked for a long moment and both of them relaxed slightly, adopting the casual body posture they used to automatically assume around one another. They reveled in the comfortable silence for what seemed hours but was in reality a few all-too-brief seconds _always the seconds with her, the n between moments we learned to seize_ before Angel let out a deep sigh, asking abruptly, unable to think of another way, "When did your husband die?" hating to ruin the hard-fought for moment of ease but knowing that he needed to start to make sense of it all somehow. He was disappointed but unsurprised as her smile died and she hastily took a step away from him, folding her arms tightly around herself.

"I don't know," she said, sounding lost, suddenly, and he fought against the urged to just step forward and crush her in his arms, taking all the pain away, knowing it was years-no, over a decade- too late for that and- he shook his head, trying to clear it as she continued speaking. "I think- god," she muttered, letting her breath out in a puff before shaking her head. "I guess it was about a year. A little more now." She shook her head, seeming to will her own thoughts away and he hated that he wasn't privy to them even as he knew he had no right- and then she ventured a shaky, uncertain smile, suddenly looking years younger and he stopped thinking at all as she shrugged. "It's silly, but- it feels shorter."

"I don't think that's silly," he answered honestly, brow furrowing as he tried to connect the few pieces he had at his disposal. "So you were married for-"

She bit her lip, brow furrowing, and suddenly she laughed but there was no warmth in the laughter at all and he almost feared that she was going to have a complete breakdown right there on the roof before the sound abruptly stopped and she shook her head. "Sorry," she said timidly. "it's just- been a really long time since anyone asked me anything… at all about anything that I'm supposed to care about that's not directly related to- you know. Death." She shook her head again, trying to clear it. "It was only a little over two years." She wavered, seeming to decide whether to say something or not, then did so, uncertainly, in a rush. "It was a really pretty wedding. It was outside and the leaves were all orange and red-" She recoiled slightly at how stupid that sounded and he reached out to caress her cheek in spite of himself, surprised at how natural the gesture felt, even more surprised when he actually made contact with her warm skin and both jumped back slightly, stunned at the current that passed between them before she stepped forward, astonishing them both as she leaned into his touch.

"I'm glad," he said hoarsely, sincerely, as he fought to keep his hand still.

Her eyes flashed to meet his and he read the naked gratitude in them without needing her to say anything at all, but she did anyway, her voice little above a whisper as she said sincerely, "Thank you."

Despite himself he felt his thumb begin to trace a gentle circle on her cheek, inadvertently threatening to turn what had begun as a comforting, platonic gesture into something more and she sighed, eyes fluttering shut as she shivered, reaching a hand up to touch his against her cheek, running her own thumb across it _oh god_ before her head snapped back violently and she stepped abruptly away, seeming to suddenly realize what had happened, what might have happened _nothing happened, you idiot _blurting sharply, much louder than necessary, "I got pregnant right away," shrugging as though she didn't know what else to say. "We were- surprised."

He nodded silently, hoping the pain didn't show on his face as she continued, turning away from him again. "I considered just not- but then I did- Willow died right before the baby was born and it seemed right to-"

"How old is she now?" Angel interrupted and he heard the smile he couldn't see as Buffy answered with a snort, "21 months and precocious as anything. I think she gets it from him-"

Angel sorted right back. "I'd say that it was probably more of a joint effort."

Buffy shook her head. "Yeah well- anyway. Surprise surprise, I got pregnant again," she laughed uneasily then paused, tensing slightly. "Can I tell you something really bad?

He nodded even though her back was still toward him and she seemed to sense his assent even without verbal confirmation as she near-whispered, "I was SO angry," causing him to bark back an instinctual and inappropriate snort of laughter at her blunt statement, quickly quenching the urge as she continued, "he never even knew I was pregnant. I found out the same day that-" and Angel tensed, sensing that what he'd begun to think was a vain line of questioning _well maybe not entirely in vain, it's obvious she needed to talk to someone and why do I care so much_ was about to lead somewhere important.

"Buffy?"

"I found out the same day we got caught."

"Caught?" he asked sharply and she turned back to face him, shame naked in her eyes. "I still wonder sometimes if- if there is a god- and Angel, I do believe there is- if he was punishing me for not being happy about Rupert-"

"Rupert?"

"My son," she said softly.

"Oh God," Angel said softly. "Not Giles too."

Her forehead creased delicately. "Not Giles what?" she inquired sharply and he was confused at the sharp edge to her voice.

"I just meant- if you named your son after him-" Angel searched for a delicate way to say it and gave up within seconds, saying bluntly "I assume he's dead too" as she looked at him like he as an idiot.

"I told you inside," she said, voice almost eerily matter-of-fact. "Everyone I ever loved is dead. Except for two kids I have no clue how to take care of, and, evidently, you. Dawn is gone. Xander, Willow, Anya, Wesley, Spike, Faith, god! Even the footnotes are gone. Riley, Oz," and she suddenly looked slightly guilty, and under different circumstances he would have chuckled as she said nervously "Were they more than a footnote?"

Angle shrugged gracelessly, fighting with everything in him the urge to reach out for her again and apologize for not knowing what to say... "To you? I don't know." He gazed at her for a long moment before offering, "I don't- I don't really know how you must feel, but- I think that- if you still feel guilty about the conflicting feelings- I mean, all parents feel that way. We all fail or think we do. I tried my best, Buffy, but I really failed as a father-"

She shook her head at once, and he almost cringed at the blind faith in her eyes, wanting for some reason he didn't even vaguely understand to just scream and shake her until it went away, practically the only thing about her that was unaltered, the ridiculous way she looked at him, as though she didn't realize he cold never deserve-

"That's not true," she said at once, perfect conviction in her voice. "I talked to Connor a lot after- after your final battle," she said triumphantly, irrationally gleeful to have found a word that was not 'death' to describe what had happened.

Despite himself Angel felt his knees half give out as he stuttered, "You mean- I thought he must be- you kept saying everyone else had died-"

"I'm so sorry," she said, shaking her head. "It- I didn't realize- I keep forgetting you don't know-"

"Where is he?" Angel asked with urgency, wanting to punch something as she shook her head, regret naked in her eyes.

"I'm sorry Angel, I don't know. When Dawn died he took it hard, I don't know where he went-" she shook her head, unable to meet his eyes. "R- Giles and I looked, but we just- and that was right before-" she shook her head, closing her eyes against her internal monologue. "If I'm being honest, he's probably dead too." She opened her mouth, then snapped it shut, wavering before she blurted "He had really, really good things to say about you." At his disbelieving look she nodded emphatically, adding, "honest," and then frowned slightly. "Well, I mean, okay, at first we were… um, a little bit angry at you. For the first few months we-" she smiled suddenly and he did a double take as he saw the look that crossed her face- almost… teasing? "Well, let's just say that there was a lot of muttering about self-centered bastards with hero complexes, but, you know, once we got over that-" she shrugged, continuing to smile, a look he couldn't help but return even after all this time. "He's Willow's godfather." The smile wavered, then vanished. "Xander was dead by then, so was-" she shook her head as he continued to struggle to take it in… one thought resonating repeatedly:

_How did all these people die?_ Angel tried to push the thought down but even as he did it was replaced with another, far more confusing if the world was in nearly as bad of a state as she seemed to think it was: _How did she survive?_

"When did this all-" he shook his head, deciding to go with a different question. "How are you fighting it-" _by yourself… _"recently?"

She laughed harshly. "Recently I'm not. I've been forced into retirement. They- they confiscated all my weapons. They tried unsuccessfully to take my strength. Turns out it's not an accidental property like eye color but part of the essential core- they can't kill it without killing me and they aren't willing to do that because since they murdered all the members of the council and the slayers that were left after we cleaned up" _your mess "_LA, they realize they might eventually need me but- until that time I can't come out to play. They- think it's my fault."

His brow furrowed. "Buffy, it's getting late and I still have no idea- who does? And how did they- through what authority did they confiscate- and what do they think you did?"

She closed her eyes, took a deep breath, trying to stop the dull throbbing in her head, barely able to imagine how he must feel. "Sorry. Honestly, I'm doing my best. It's just- I've been living it, I don't even know how to explain- I mean, if I say he and I led the resistance, it makes other people cower or spit in my face or shoot me sympathetic glances but you don't even know what we were resisting-"

"Um- this might be an awkward question," he said hesitantly, cutting her off, "but- your husband- you keep saying 'him' and I assume that's who you mean-"

She nodded, brow furrowing slightly. "Who else would I mean?"

"Well-" he said hesitantly, hoping he wasn't about to inadvertently set her off. "Maybe- I mean, I think it might be nice if you said a name," he said finally.

"I- ask me anything but that," she whispered and her eyes and voice were pleading. Realization flashed sharply across his face and he frowned, trying to keep any judgment from his voice as he quietly stated,

"Oh. Demon?" At the continued look of dismay on her face he arched an eyebrow, further venturing, "Demon that I know?"

Her head snapped backward in surprise as she shook her head slowly. "No. He wouldn't have lived long enough to lead the resistance if he hadn't been a human-" She chewed her lower lip nervously, "Helped that they trusted him," she said quietly, unable to meet his eyes. "Turns out he and I were pretty good actors-"

Angel's brow furrowed. "Buffy- if you're trying to tell me you and Xander were married," he said slowly, struggling to put the pieces together and unable to come up with anything else, "you don't need to be so afraid to say it. I'm not going to pretend that-" Angel paused. "I mean, whatever I might have thought of Xander, I never questioned that his loyalty to you was absolute."

She continued to chew on her lip, shaking her head slowly. "No, not Xander," she said, voice barely a whisper. "Xander was the first one to die-" she swallowed with difficulty, taking a deep breath and bracing herself. "My- my son is named after his father." She paused for a second, cringing at the incredulous expression on his face. "And- I only ever knew one Rupert."

---

Okay, so if you actually read all of that:

1. I heart you!  
2. Please take a sec to leave feedback...To be honest this story is not at allll going as I thought it was going to AT ALL (believe me, I am at least as surprised as any of you that she married Giles)... So, thoughts are especially wanted/needed/desired.

Next chapter smirks evilly i think it's about time we got some kissing one way or another, no?

Thanks for reading!


	4. Chapter Three: Implosions

Buffy looked at Angel nervously as surprise showed clearly on his face, bracing herself for the negative reaction that… didn't come.

It took him a minute to realize she was waiting for him to say something, and as soon as he did he nodded calmly. "Okay."

She blinked, jaw dropping. "Okay?"

He nodded again, shrugging. "Okay." As she seemed to expect more he continued, awkwardly, "Um…It was a good choice?"

Her jaw dropped. "It- doesn't bother you?"

He looked at her like she was a child. "Should it?"

At the slightly superior tone in his voice she lifted her chin defiantly, snapping "Of course not!" wondering how in three seconds he'd managed to reduce her to the equivalent of a bumbling idiot. "It's just- most people-"

"Most people are stupid," Angel snapped and she relaxed slightly and sighed, knowing instinctually that his ire was not directed at her.

"Agreed," she replied sharply.

"What bothered your friends?" he asked gently and she started slightly, beginning to ask how he knew before shrugging.

"Never asked. I did what I had to; it was nothing to do with them," she shook her head slowly. "None of them ever really got that it was nothing to do with them-"

"But you do know what bothered them," he stated and she frowned slightly, causing him to continue to explain. "I'm just wondering if it was the father-figure thing or the age difference-"

She glared up at him, folding her arms defiantly. "Are you trying to be funny? Because-"

"No. It just that you expected me to be upset, and I'm wondering which thing you thought I'd be upset about."

She snorted. "Well, the age difference was sort of a moot point, since he was still 200 years younger than my first boyfriend," she snapped, then had the decency to look guilty, staring at her feet intently before starting again. "I don't know. I guess it was the father figure thing, but it might have been the age thing too- or even instead- they never really mentioned age with you but I sort of think that's because there were bigger issues," and he marveled at how she could reduce something as complex as what had happened between them into one insignificant phrase-

"Well, then, that leaves the father issue," Angel said softly, "which probably just bothered your friends because they were scared he might take advantage of you-"

Her chin shot out defiantly. "Rupert would never-"

"I know. That's why I'm not upset." He frowned slightly. "I'm- glad you two were able to turn to one another-"

She grimaced slightly. "It- wasn't really like hat."

He looked at her, seeming to contemplate before stating dully, "Oh. You loved him?" and she marveled at how he was really striking out in his guesses regarding her love life when he was so seldom wrong about anything else as she shook her head, eyes tortured as she managed to choke out, "Yes, very much, but not the way you- not the way you mean."

"Then what-"

"There was a prophesy, what else is new," she said dully, frowning.

He truly did do a double take then, enquiring incredulously, "A prophesy that specifically said-"

She sighed, tapping her foot impatiently, fighting to remember that it was not his fault he didn't know. "Sort of. I mean, definite prophesy, sort of specifically said." She flushed, realizing she wasn't making and sense. "You know."

"I- think so," he replied slowly, sounding like he did not understand at ALL. "What did it say?"

She shrugged. "Most powerful slayer that ever lived blah blah blah joined in marriage blah blah blah eternal protection blah blah blah, together they will save the world blah blah blah, he will defy death blah blah blah-"

"Okay, could we maybe omit the snippy commentary?" he snapped and she flushed again, looking slightly ashamed.

"Sorry," she muttered. "I'm- a little bitter about it."

"Because- you had to marry Giles?" he ventured and she looked at him with surprise.

"No! I mean, once Willow finally managed to translate it and it seemed like I was going to have to get married in order to," she flushed, looking almost embarrassed, "well, you know, save the world… there was no one else I even considered. I- I'm bitter because it was wrong." To his chagrin she got even redder. "Or else- we were wrong. Pretty presumptuous to assume that when they said the greatest slayer to ever live they meant me-"

"Makes sense to me," he offered and a ghost of a smile shot across her face.

"Made sense to all of us. I- don't really remember the exact translation anymore, but the gist was that by her 25th birthday this slayer who they were referring to would need to choose a… 'mate and protector' and 'marry him with all due ceremony befitting their then sacred connection'… and that after this official ceremony thingy- well, basically I was going to be unstoppable and there was eventually going to be a final battle- which I guess should have tipped me off that the whole thing was bullshit, because, I mean, come on, not like I haven't heard that one before- um, right," she said at his strained look. "Final battle that he and I would fight in together and win, complimenting one another perfectly or something…and there was also that throwaway line about his defying death, which made it even harder when- when I watched him die, I really thought he just- wasn't going to, isn't that stupid?" Her voice grew hard again. "But whatdaya know, there's been no death defying here-" she shook her head in defeat. "It all seemed so simple. I mean, all I had to do was pick someone, the only conditions were that it had to be before my 25th birthday and he had to be male and mortal-"

"Had to?"

She nodded. "Oh, yeah, the prophesy was very specific about that one" she smirked. "Guess someone wanted to make sure I didn't start staging resurrections of my own," she teased lightly. "I mean, it's not like Spike hadn't risen before-" and he looked at her in shock for a long moment before he realized she was actually joking, letting out a short laugh before she sighed, continuing again. "Giles had always been- I mean, I totally trusted him, and, I, uh," she blushed. "You never missed very much, I guess you probably already know I sort of thought he was… um, hot, in an older kind of way… and he sort of thought I was hot in a younger way- I honestly didn't see him as my father, certainly not after he left for England the first time… and he knew what I was and we were able to do some really GOOD things in the time we were married, help out- it was just…" she sighed, shaking her head. "SO simple and obvious only…"

"The prophesy wasn't true," he offered softly and she nodded, tears coming to her eyes again.

"I really wanted to be an old lady with her old husband," she murmured so softly he almost wasn't sure he heard it.

"I know you did."

She shrugged. "Whatever. I just-" Suddenly her eyes flashed and she stopped. "Did you hear-"

And then the small cry came again, louder, frantic. "MOMMY!"

For one terrible moment Buffy was frozen in place and as Angel watched the emotions flit across her face he realized sharply that no matter how many times she rolled her eyes and muttered 'whatever' she was still the same at heart- loving those around her far too much, feeling things far too deeply and repeatedly getting hurt because of that, somehow managing to stand back up again-

And then he was startled out of his reverie by her anguished cry of "WILLOW!" as she began to charge with speed he wouldn't have though she still possessed toward the door leading from the roof. In the split second before he sprung into action himself Angel felt a sharp pang of relief that there was fight left in her after all, a thought that was confirmed an instant later as she suddenly whipped around, punching him in the jaw hard enough to send him sprawling to the ground. "I need you to trust me now!" she screamed as he blinked up at her in confusion, and as he tried to stand she hit him again, if it was possible harder. "Get as far away from here as you can and pretend you never knew me." She hesitated for the barest sliver of a second before crouching beside him, adding softly "I'm sorry I didn't have time to tell you more, but really that's the only important stuff anyway," something he couldn't quite read in her eyes as she gently traced his jaw with her fingertips, as though trying to smooth away the hurt that she had so deliberately inflicted milliseconds earlier. "What the hell?" she muttered. "Not like I'll ever see him again," and his brow furrowed at the words before he realized she as talking to herself before she grabbed his jaw firmly, licking her lips-

And then he was not thinking at all she quickly bought her mouth toward him, lips brushing his with tenderness he'd almost forgotten existed. She sighed against his mouth, right hand continuing its gentle ministrations to his jaw even as her left fisted tightly into his hair and he had to fight with everything in him not to bend her backward and cover her body with his own. He recoiled slightly at the thought and both he and Buffy froze for a moment, seeming to realize at the same instant just what was happening before she leaned into him slowly, tantalizingly flicking her tongue out just enough that it caressed his lower lip, and without thinking he pulled her closer, allowing one hand to slowly run up her thigh as his tongue reached out for hers. She moaned against him, pulling her own tongue back, to his immense disappointment and relief… only to gently bite down on his lower lip milliseconds later, opening her eyes to peek at him, feeling herself grow hot at the realization that his own eyes had never closed.

And then, as abruptly as she had instigated the contact she jumped up, looking angry and something else he couldn't quite place… regretful? Relieved? as she said, softly "Goodbye," turning to barrel back downstairs.

---

In ten seconds flat Buffy was kicking in the door to her own apartment, hoping the five seconds _was it really only five seconds? _she'd wasted kissing Angel hadn't been critical _it was worth it_, hadn't hurt her children in some way _I couldn't help it_- but as she found herself face to face with the one man who she hated more than anyone else in the world her internal monologue stopped and she willed herself to be strong or at least to fake it with every fiber of her being-

"Hello, Ethan," she said shortly, calmly stepping into the room and swinging the door, which had miraculously not been knocked clear of nits hinges gently shut. 'Do what do I owe this-" she fought not to choke on the word. "Pleasure?"

He clucked his tongue, raising an eyebrow and deliberately ignoring the question. "Did no one ever tell you not to leave children unattended? I find it hard to believe that if your dearly departed husband were here he would have been so careless-"

"You do NOT mention him to me," she said dangerously, eyes flashing as he merely smirked, holding up his hands in a gesture of mock surrender.

"I assure you, love, it was merely an observation-"

"WHERE. IS. MY. DAUGHTER?" Buff bit out through clenched teeth.

He continued blandly, as though he hadn't heard her, "Our radars really went crazy tonight. Imagine our… GREAT surprise when we found the center of the disturbance was here."

"I swear-"

"Yes, I'm aware you were not the SOURCE," he interrupted her "But Buffy- so many years and you've still not taken the old saying to heart- if you're not part of the problem you're part of the solution.

"I think you mean that if you're not part of the solution you're part of the problem," she smiled sweetly, then hit herself lightly upside the head. "But I forgot!" she said, dropping her voice. "I'm dealing with the stupid kids."

He glared at her dangerously but she just rolled her eyes, trying to channel the girl she'd been when they first dealt with her, cocky and carefree as hell. "Have you forgotten that we have your children," he demanded coldly.

She stared him down for a moment, wondering how far she dared go before saying blithely, "You know what your problem is really, Ethan? You don't understand people at all. You think that just because you were able to seize power with the help of demons and witches who you later killed to repay them for their loyalty, and then play off the people's fear of the very same people who got you where you are today you're somehow better that everyone else when really-"

He slapped her hard and she flinched as though it had hurt, deciding to give him that much, afraid of going too far.

"I assume you have a point?" he asked coldly and she nodded, turning her back to him to pick a shirt up off the floor and throw it onto the couch, determined to not even give him the satisfaction of thinking he had any influence on her at all before she turned back to him.

"My point was," she said, letting the attitude drop somewhat, staring at him levelly. "That of course I realize you have my children. What else is new? This is what, the seventh or eighth time that the government- no, excuse me, YOUR government- has taken the people closest to me? Why do you think I'm standing here all cooperative-like? But why don't we stop the games and be honest with one another. You want something from me. I want my children. Unlike some people I have a sense of what's reasonable. I'm perfectly happy to trade."

"All we want to know is what happened tonight," he said levelly and she arched an eyebrow, staring him down.

"Must be important if you came yourself," she quipped, hoping to bait him into telling her more, disappointed when that plan was a totally failure before sighing. "Oh. Well, let's see. At around 8 pm I put my kids to bed and curled up with a good book- oh! Wait! You took all my books!

"DROP the attitude." And his voice was cold as ice.

She sighed, shrugging. "I've been here all night," she replied honestly. "Haven't left the building, scout's honor. Whatever… disturbance you felt had nothing to do with me. I don't persay have an alibi but I honestly don't know what's going on."

His eyes narrowed. "We'll see."

She rolled her eyes. "Oh come on. You know as well as I do that nobody but me was in this apartment tonight." She arched an eyebrow. "Unless you're scared your little spells aren't as effective as you keep telling everyone they are?"

"I didn't accuse you of letting anyone into the apartment. You're far too clever for that," and she lowered her eyes, afraid of what he might see there.

"I was on the roof getting some air, is that not allowed?" she demanded, rolling her eyes again. At his disbelieving look she shot back an equally incredulous glance, saying "Oh PLEASE. You can't really think that I heard my daughter scream from blocks away and managed to get here from there in thirty seconds flat?"

"No." he admitted. "But as I stated before, the disturbance was here."

She shook her head in the negative. "Wish I could help you," she said with no sincerity whatsoever, then added in a more convincing voice, "I really haven't seen anything unusual."

"I don't believe you."

She lifted her chin defiantly. "Yeah, well, I wouldn't either. Doesn't change anything."

He let out a small 'tsk' before shaking his head. "And I was so hoping that you wouldn't make this difficult. I truly did respect Rupert, never more than at the end- it pains me-"

And at his saying the name she lunged forward, no longer able to contain herself as she screamed, "You killed my husband how DARE you!" realizing a second too late that she had done exactly what he wanted as she felt the needle sink into her arm.

"Won't hurt a bit" he smiled eerily and Buffy felt the floor shift in the half a second before the room blurred and she fell, unconscious to the floor.

---

-Please leave feedback... it makes me the happiest person ever, and frankly, if no one is reading there's not much point in my continuing to write ;)-


	5. Chapter Four: Dreams May Come

Thanks to shiney1983, IdaPida, Carolina 17, and vamp2angelus for the reviews and support. You all truly make me smile.

Chapter Four

"Oooooh. Uhhhh."

In some vague and undefined corner of her mind Buffy realized that she was dreaming, and the irony wasn't lost on her, even in her unconscious state, that memories that were by now so dull that they couldn't be recalled except for as a sensual and innocent blur of pure emotion in her daily life could still come back with such acute accuracy as she slept, could lead her to remember exactly how his hands splayed across her breast as gently kissed her-

And in her minds eye she not only say but felt his hand slip tentatively under the flimsy tank top she wore, felt herself shudder, throwing her virginal head back with a heady moan as his hand found her now bare breast _how did he manage to get my bra off_ – cringed as she heard her younger self ask that very thing, voice amazed–nearly laughed at Angel's small, slightly amused smile saw her younger self frown at the same smile, wondering what it meant before his mouth moved to cover her exposed right breast, hand gently stroking the other one as she moaned breathlessly, "please," only half knowing what she was asking for as he sucked harder, scraping his teeth against her nipple gently, causing her to arch against him, moaning, clutching at his shoulders as new sensations coursed through her body. Instinctively she rolled her hips against his, eliciting a groan from him as he licked a short trail to her other breast and carefully reached with his free hand to pull the zipper of her pants down_- _watched him hesitate, watched her eyes flutter open, watched her hand reach out to lightly stroke his cheek as he pulled himself up to look at her.

"Why are you stopping?" she asked in genuine confusion. "Is it- I mean, am I-" she flushed but he didn't seem to understand what she was getting at as he looked at her, tenderness naked in his eyes as he said softly,

"I'm stopping to ask you if you want to stop," frowning slightly at how ridiculous the words sounded.

"No," she said, genuinely confused as she continued to babble, "Stopping bad. Why would I want to stop?" Her brow furrowed as she seemed to contemplate, wishing she could do or say something, anything to smooth the concern from his face.

"I-" he began, then shook his head in frustration. "I just really want this to be good for you."

"But- Angel. It is," she murmured, brow puckering slightly in confusion as she inched slightly closer to him, reaching out to touch his cheek gently.

"No- I mean that-"

"It is," she repeated with more conviction, leaning forward to touch her lips lightly to his before pulling back and fearlessly darting her tongue out to suck on his earlobe, knowing without seeing that his eyes had fluttered shut as he gripped her to him tightly with one hand, fisting the other in her hair as she whispered in his ear. "It's perfect. You're here."

"Buffy-"

"I just- want it to be good for you too," she added timidly and it was his turn to look at her with disbelief.

"Buffy, believe me-"

"Then believe me," she retorted teasingly before her brow creased slightly again and she gulped, not sure if it was entirely appropriate to say "I want to touch you," and blurting out those exact words before she could change her mind. His eyes darkened at once, and some far away region in her realized that anyone with half a brain would probably be terrified by that look but somehow-

"I- I just don't want you to do anything you don't want-"

Her brow furrowed again in confusion. "I'm not. I never would." And the disbelief, the gratitude on his face shattered her heart as she saw them, as he whispered her name like it was a prayer and she lifted her hips so he could slide her soaked pants from her body as she grabbed for his belt with shaking hands, starting to unbuckle-

---

Buffy squinted in confusion as she found herself in a church, gazing at her best friend, who looked not a day older than the day they'd first met. "Will?" she questioned incredulously, taking a moment to realize that the redhead was dressed in an elaborate wedding dress as flowers began to float around them.

"So, who's the lucky bride?" Buffy asked with a wide smile, confused when Willow didn't smile back, just gazed at her solemnly.

"Will?" she repeated slowly, smile fading.

"You never understood. The flowers aren't what make it real."

"What are you-"

"You have to make it real."

"Willow?" Buffy asked in a very small voice and then there was darkness.

---

Buffy blinked against the blinding light as she fond herself in a very different room, somewhere in Sunnydale, she knew she'd seen it before but… Her brow furrowed and she concentrated hard, feeling like she was missing something as she heard steps behind her.

"Hi Spike," she said with certainty before turning to face him.

"Slayer," he acknowledged, cocky smirk on his face, and she smiled despite herself, taking a step toward him and jerking backward as the song 'Love Stinks' started to blare out of nowhere, looking around in vain for the source of the sound but unable to locate it.

"You know, you had my attention anyway," she commented dryly, stepping into his arms without even knowing why, relaxing into them as he pulled her closer.

"No I didn't. I still don't," but there was no malice in his voice.

"Okay, you don't," she agreed in an amused voice, looking over his shoulder in vain for the source of the blasting music.

"The problem is," he whispered in her ear, "you never know what to see."

She blinked, opened her mouth to ask what it meant as he pushed away from her, lifting her hand to his mouth to kiss it. She blinked in confusion as her hand raised and her thin gold wedding band faded, then disappeared, before reappearing so quickly she thought she must have imagined it as Spike murmured once more, "You need to learn how to see."

---

Suddenly she was in Giles's apartment, like it used to look... before. She surveyed the scene eagerly, confused momentarily by a clock which seemed to have stopped, heard Rupert's voice murmur "I love you," as though in surround sound at the same moment she heard Spike's echo 'you never know what to see.'

And then suddenly there was a flash of light as a claddagh ring fell from nowhere and landed at her feet with a loud klink, bouncing once and then twirling in a dizzying blur

'You never know what to see…'

--

Buffy jerked awake. Her eyes flew open at once and she instantly wished they hadn't as she found herself face-to-face with a none-too-amused Ethan.

"Oh, you," she said, fighting not to cringe at how weak her voice sounded, trying to move away from him and unsurprised to find she was fully restrained. "Why am I not surprised?"

"I'll spare you a repeat of the pleasantries," he said coldly as she rolled her eyes. "Just tell me what I want to know."

Her eyes flashed and she said nothing.

"No, I didn't expect you to answer," he said contemplatitively, reaching out and stroking her cheek in what could only have been called a mockery of affection. "But we know more than you give us credit for. For instance, we ran tests of your blood while you slept- it's clear that you've been in contact with a supernatural being in the past week."

She rolled her eyes, willing herself to sound more confident than she sounded. "Oh come on, Einstein, my blood never shows up clean- and you know it. After all, isn't it you who's been telling me I'm permanently 'tainted' on your blood test because I slept with two vampires practically a decade ago?" She rolled her eyes again. "But then, I was never one to accuse your magic of being particularly sophisticated."

His eyes narrowed. "Well, luckily for you, CHILD, we took your criticism to heart, especially after your and Rupert's last stunt-"

She rolled her eyes again, trying to sound brash as she snapped, "Oh get OVER it. Can you say a year ago much?"

He hit her forcefully across the face and her head whipped to the side with such vigor that he feared for a moment he'd done real damage as her lip split and a small trail of blood trickled down her chin.

"Unlike you and your foolish dead husband, betrayal is not something I forgive," he said in a dangerously low voice. "You WILL tell me what I need to know or your children will die."

She stared at him levelly for a long moment, then decided to take a risk, shrugging as she called his bluff. "Not like I was ever much of a mother anyway."

"I'd have to agree with you there," and even though she'd provoked the words Buffy was stung by how much they hurt. "But I know you don't want them dead."

"You're right," she said softly, meeting his eyes. "I don't. But the thing is, Ethan, I trust you so little that I think they're dead already, and based on the last time you blackmailed me into giving you information… hoe did you put it again?" she demanded, narrowing her eyes as though she was thinking and wishing nothing more than that her hands were unbound so that she could punch him into oblivion. "Oh! I remember! In exchange for my husband's life!" She looked around her curiously, then shrugged. "I don't see my husband. Oh! I remember!" she exclaimed again with every once of bitterness in her small body. "You killed him anyway, you duplicitous bastard." Despite herself her eyes filled with tears. "You wouldn't even take me instead-"

He looked at her as though she were an idiot. "Of course not. We need you and we know it. Just because you haven't yet seen that your best chance is cooperation doesn't mean we can allow you to die before you do-"

"I will never cooperate," she said with finality.

"Then your children will die."

Her eyes narrowed and she looked directly at him, chilling him for a moment with the realization that flickered across her face. "I don't believe you," she said slowly. "Either they're already dead or you need them too and they're safe no matter what I say. Either way, I have nothing to gain by talking to you."

His eyes flashed as he stormed over to the door and opened it, gesturing for 6 men clad solely in black to come inside. "Torture her. And make sure she stays conscious." He said before staring back at Buffy, murmuring, "Perhaps you'll be persuaded yet," before leaving the room.

---

If you review I'll give you a cookie ;) In all seriousness, though, I am using my free time to read this, and if no one is enjoying it/cares if I go on this I'm not going to continue…which is sort of sad, since I like this story but honestly free time is a beautiful thing too… so please, if you're enjoying it, give me some motivation to keep going :P

And as always, thanks for reading!


	6. Chapter Five: Skylights

_Invis, shiney1983, carolina17, tarnasit1, and Tarosselli, THANK YOU for the feedback, you all are my heros! (Especially Shiney, hanks for the continual support!)_

Angel let out a frustrated sigh as he rapidly crept along underground, going on little more than instinct and a general mental picture of where he had seen them take her before he slipped underground. Despite all that Buffy hadn't told him, she had definitely le enough slip one way or another that he knew what he should be doing.

He should be getting as far away from this and all other major cities as possible, and he should be pretending to not even know what a slayer was.

Unfortunately, even as he argued with himself, telling himself not o go through with this crazy plan, he knew one thing with certainty: there was no way he was leaving the city without her.

--

Buffy felt nothing as she was kicked once more in the gut, realizing in some distant corner of her mind that she must be bleeding and lacking the motivation to care as she was backhanded across the face.

"That will be enough," she heard as though from very far away, allowing herself to raise her head and look toward the open door where Ethan was standing before letting her head drop again. He let out a low chuckle at the gesture. "I'll admit, Miss Summers, I'm impressed," Ethan smirked, rewarded for his words when her chin jerked up once more, defiantly.

"That's Mrs. Summers-Giles to you," she said coldly, and he laughed softly.

"Try to hide it all you want, little girl," he said in a small, amused voice. "But there's fight in you yet."

She rolled her eyes. "Done talking now," she said abruptly, then smiled grimly, tossing her head as best she was able in her bonds. "I know! Why don't you hit me some more?"

"Come now, when I've just offered you my oh-so-reluctant respect? Don't be crass."

"Crass?" she repeated incredulously, then let her head fall backward, muttering slowly, "It's just not worth it. Kill me already."

"Say that enough and you might start to convince yourself," he said with a smirk. "But I know you don't want to die."

"I don't want to," she said softly. "But I don't care to prevent it, either."

"Buffy, why do this to yourself?" he asked gently, abruptly changing tactics and reaching out to gently push a strand of hair from her face, ignoring the way in which she flinched as he did so. "You've earned my respect. I'm willing to let you off easily. Just tell me who you're trying to protect."

She looked at his in disgust, shaking her head incredulously just before the skylight above he shattered and a man clad in black sailed gracefully to the ground.

"That would be me," Angel growled, vamp face emerging and Buffy cringed at the realization of what had just happened, what it was going to cost her- cost him-

And then she couldn't think anymore as the men who had been beating her up began to walk toward Angel from where they had been standing against the wall.

"Angel look out!" she screamed, taking advantage of Ethan's stunned silence to warn him.

Unfortunately, her voice snapped Ethan out of his stupor and he snapped "Kill him!" stepping toward the door himself to watch the scene.

Buffy cringed as though she were the one hit as the first punch was thrown.

--

_God, why is he doing this to me? _She wondered despairingly before jutting her chin out and telling herself not to be selfish, to be strong no matter how much she wanted to just be weak for once. She surveyed the room critically, looking for an opening, any way to possibly get free-

And let out an exasperated sigh as she saw none, unable to even fully plant her feet on the ground due to how high her hands were pinned above her head. She attempted to wriggle her hands around in vain and let out another exasperated breath, continuing to look for an opening she wasn't sure existed, wondering if Angel was really going to be able to defeat all six of them, knowing that even if he managed Ethan would just send more until he was dead _oh God don't think that way-_

"You shouldn't have come here!" she cried out in agony, stunned when the fighting stopped for a fraction of a second and they all turned to look at her before continuing to wale on Angel. Ethan, however, continued to gaze at her contemplatively from his place by the door, eyes narrowing as his face suddenly cleared.

"Devon!" he said loudly, and Buffy looked at him in confusion as he beckoned to one of his cronies, evidently named Devon, who immediately stopped hitting Angel _thank goodness the odds are better_, smiling slightly as, in her peripheral vision, she saw Angel knock one of them unconscious, sending him sprawling to the floor.

"Kill her," she suddenly heard Ethan say, not particularly loudly, but firmly, gesturing to her as Devon nodded. Her brow furrowed in confusion, but she wasn't left to wonder for long as Ethan elaborated, "once she's dead he'll stop fighting."

She cringed as she realized the probable truth of the statement, struggling with everything inside her not to scream at Angel to promise he wouldn't stop fighting once she was-if she was- _look for the opening, look for the opening…._

And as Devon approached her, knife outstretched, she let her eyes flutter shut.

--

_As always feedback is treasured and makes me write faster! Sorry this was a short one… next time will be longer, that's a guarantee._


	7. Chapter Six: JoetotheRescue

As Angel saw Buffy close her eyes he swore to himself that, no matter how long he might live after this night, he would never allow himself to forgive her if she died this way. Not for the dying, but for giving up when-

He viciously backhanded the man directly in front of him, simultaneously kicking the one behind him, grimly satisfied when he heard a grunt from that direction, caught off guard as a fist connected solidly with his left cheek _stop looking at Buffy you idiot-_

But he could no more stop looking at Buffy than a mortal could stop breathing, and he felt like he was watching a train wreck, powerless to stop it as Devon advanced toward her, wielding a long knife with some skill before him body. "Buffy!" he screamed frantically as Devon lunged.

--

Buffy felt rather than saw the knife come toward her, and she inhaled sharply as she tightly clutched the ropes holding her hands above her head, using all the strength she had left in her arms to swing herself upward and use what momentum she could gain to kick forward.

--

Angel watched in amazement, temporarily abandoning his current charade of fighting as she somehow managed to swing her legs forwardand connect solidly with Devon's ribcage, sending him sprawling onto his back. A shadow of a smile flitted across Angel's face until he realized that the knife Devon had been about to thrust forward had launched free of his hand and was propelling directly toward Buffy's navel-

And was further shocked when, without even opening her eyes, she sharply brought one knee upward so that it connected with the hilt of the knife, propelling it skyward instead of directly toward her- and somehow manageing to angel it so that it sliced through the ropes that were binding her hands before it launched firmly into the wall.

_How the f--k…_

And as Angel looked around at the frozen people around him he realized they were all wondering that same thing as she fell gracefully to the ground before leaping up and looking at her wrists, shaking her hands out slightly. "Those ropes really were tied pretty tight," she said contemplatively, staring at Ethan, who was suddenly very pale. "Color me impressed by your rope-knotting skills."

"How did you-" he half demanded, half-sputtered as she took a measured step forward, rolling her eyes even as she bent her knees slightly and put her arms up, adopting a fighting stance.

"Why does everyone look so surprised?" she questioned coolly, actually sounding somewhat confused as to what all the fuss was about. "Come ON, now. You guys didn't all really think I've lived twice as long as any slayer in history because of dumb luck?" She rolled her eyes again. "Oh, but then, this IS the dumb luck club, of which you are president," she snapped in Ethan's general direction before abruptly landing a roundhouse kick to the man closest to her, sending him falling to the ground, cringing at the sickening crack his arm made as his whole weight landed on it.

"Now, granted, I'm not in the best shape of my life," she quipped, viciously kicking out to her other side and sending another one sprawling. "But I'm sort of angry, here, so let's see what I can do." She cast Angel a withering glance as he continued to gape at her. "Were you planning on helping me here, Joe-to-the-rescue?" she demanded with a toss of her head, before ducking as a fist propelled toward her.

Angel flinched slightly at her quip before snapping out of his stupor, slamming the person directly in front of him against the wall before letting out a grunt of pain as another of Ethan's cronies attacked him from behind.

He heard her utter a low cry to his left and knew that one of them must be doing some damage, unsure whether to be alarmed about that or not before he heard another groan, not hers, and smiled grimly at the sound.

"Are they human?" he called out in her general direction, kicking to his left as he dodged a punch.

"Yes!" she shouted back. "All supernatural beings are being systematically eliminated! I thought- oooof!" she moaned as she was sent sprawling to the ground and he looked over his shoulder in concern as she sprung up as though nothing had happened, unsurprised when one of the men took advantage of his distraction to club him over the head. "I thought I told you that!"

"Guess you didn't get to that part," he quipped.

"Yeah, well, you know, it's not like it would ever occur to either of us to do like the normal people do and go catch up over coffee," she quipped back.

"They're human- I'm guessing that means you're not gonna be thrilled if I kill them?" he inquired abruptly, ignoring her most recent comment and rewarded for his words as the eyes of the man in front of him showed fear for the first time.

"Oh, gosh, let me think about it!" she called sarcastically. "Yep, just like I thought- I'm not so much in amerciful mood right now. Just do what you have to do!"

"You're- sure?" he inquired, doubling over as one of them punched him in the gut, almost but not quite missing the remorseful note in her voice as she retorted,

"Yeah. I'm not as young as I used to be."

His brow furrowed slightly before he understood her larger meaning, and he frowned as he snapped one of their necks, grimly satisfied as he saw definite alarm flit across Ethan's face out of the corner of his eye, heard Buffy deliver a punch.

"You know what else we have in common, other than the fact that no one ever lets us stay dead?" she shouted abruptly from across the room as she systematically attacked the man in front of her.

"What?" he bellowed back, diving as another man lunged viciously at him and managing to kick the man's legs out from beneath him, take advantage of his surprise at being on the ground to snap his neck as well _do more keep coming or were there just more than I thought to begin with?_

"Neither one of us can just LET. THE. OTHER. DIE!"" she screamed, slamming finalman to the floor and hesitating for a fraction of a second before slamming his head down what Angel realized was hard enough to leave him unconscious but not to inflict any permanent damage _oh, child, you are so much younger than you realize_ before she sprung up, whirling toward him, anger he hadn't expected naked in her face. "You- you," she began sputtering before drawing herself up to her full height and raising her chin, slapping him as hadr as she could ashe frowned in confusion. "You son of a bitch! THIS WAS MY FIGHT!" she managed to shout, trembling. "I wanted you to be okay!"

"I am okay," he said, blinking in confusion and she opened her mouth to retort before abruptly slamming it shut and whirling toward Ethan instead.

"You're a bigger fool than I thought to keep standing there," she said softly, and her voice was no longer angry but deceptively calm and positively dangerous. "What did you do, call reinforcements? Because I hate to break this to you, but unless they arrive in the next five seconds they're going to be stepping over your dead body to get into this room." She smiled grimly. "Or should I say tomb?"

Ethan smirked knowingly. "I have something better planned."

She gave a hard, bitter laugh that made Angel cringe as he fought to reconcile the fact that a sound that genuinely heartless could come from her mouth. "I had better things planned too. You killed me when you killed my family. And now you get to die."

Ethan's eyes flashed and he suddenly began to chant rapidly in Latin as his head fell back. "Virtus relinquo lemma iam Ostendo lemma atrox Ostendo lemma SUUM atrox Ostendo lemma quis they contemno Ostendo lemma specialis Tribuo lemma incendia Verto suum pectus pectoris Ostendo lemma preteritus Ostendo lemma odium! OSTENDO LEMMA ODIUM!"

He smirked in satisfaction as Buffy and Angel both fell to the floor.

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_I love feedback a lot ;)_


	8. Chapter Seven A: Very Broken Table

"Mister Rayne!" a breathless voice said at his ear and Ethan reluctantly turned from the beautiful picture Buffy and Angel made on the floor. "What happened here?"

"Unforeseen complications" Ethan said dismissively. "Nothing I can't handle."

The man craned his neck past him. "Who's the man?"

"Not a man, Charles" Ethan said shortly.

"But-" Charles retorted slowly, "then why aren't we-"

'This way is going to be EVER so much more rewarding," Ethan retorted cryptically.

"I don't understand-"

"That is Angelus. She is the slayer. Currently they are both in the other person's memories and seeing only that which will bring them the most pain. And knowing the two of them, it's going to involve betrayal even beyond MY comprehension." He smiled grimly. "I've only seen this spell preformed twice before, but whatever they see will so appall and anger them that they'll wake up wanting to kill one another- and all we'll need to do is watch."

"That's brilliant, sir."

"I'd like to think so, but really, with the two of them it was almost too obvious." He looked down at their bodies with distaste. "No one ever hurt either of them like they hurt each other by hurting themselves."

--

Buffy blinked in confusion as she looked around Angel's apartment in LA. "I don't get it," she said out loud, shaking her head before focusing as she heard sound coming from the kitchen.

"Soooo. Good tea," she heard her own voice say in a voice that sounded… almost mocking_ what would I be mocking?_ "Full of, um," she sputtered uncertainly, "apple-cinnamony goodness."

"Would you like some more?" she heard Angel's voice, just like it always was, almost abnormally controlled and yet- she frowned, not really understanding what she felt was off… how come he sounded like he was about to snap as he asked about tea.

"No, thank you." And her frown deepened as she heard herself adopt the same tone as him. There was a pause and she entered the kitchen, blinking in confusion as she saw herself _why does that outfit look familiar?_ sitting across from Angel like it were the most natural thing in the world, confused as to why she would be seeing herself there when she'd never even been in his kitchen-

"I'm really sorry I kissed you like that."

"What?" she blurted in confusion at the same instant as her younger self jerked backward ever-so slightly asking hesitantly; "You are?"

"Well, not for the kiss itself," he replied quickly, looking almost…. sheepish?

"Angel what are you talking about? " Buffy demanded as her younger self sighed slumping slightly in what could only have been relief as she retorted archly, "Good. I mean, 'cause - as far as kisses go I thought it was well above average."

_They always were,_ Buffy thought, leaning hopping up onto the counter and frowning. "Okay," she said out loud. "I'm having some trippy dream where-"

"It was incredible." Angel said and she snapped her mouth shut, confused again by the intensity with which he was looking at her younger self. "I just - I-I think, maybe we'd be asking for trouble rushing back into things." Buffy laughed at the expression that flitted across her younger self's face as Angel rushed to appease her, "Not that I don't want to - rush. Believe me, I do."

"Right. You spoke to the Oracles and they said you were cured for good. But how do we know that they really speak for the Powers? I mean they could be –" her younger self frowned, seeming to search for a word before finishing weakly, "pranksters."

"Cured?" Buffy questioned, leaping off the counter and getting right in Angels face "Angel what is she-"

But he couldn't hear her and continued to look at… younger her, replying in that same tension-filled tone,

"Or there could be another loophole."

"Exactly. And then the two of us would be in even deeper and it's 'grr' all over again."

_Okay, why are we talking about sex in my dream instead of just having it? And why can't they hear me? It's my dream. I want him to hear me._

"It would be smart to wait a while. See if this mortal thing takes."

"Mortal?" Buffy questioned so quietly she didn't think they'd be able to hear her even if they had been… well, able to hear her- and she took a halting step backwards, unsure why she was reacting so strongly to something entirely in her head and completely missing the next words as something thoughts began to slam together in her head. "It's not a dream," she murmured to herself, shaking her head slowly as she tried to figure out how any of this could be possible at all as she bit her lip, pacing back and forth slightly. "It's a… memory? Only where I don't remember it- which doesn't really fit in with the whole concept-" _Okay, so it can't be a memory-_

Her attention snapped back to the scene in front of her as Angel gave a long-suffering sigh that currently made her want to slap him but judging from the expression on her younger self's face made that Buffy want to kiss him- an urge that only increased as he moved to the chair next to her.

"I'm not saying I don't want you. You know how much. I'm just saying it's worth the wait to be sure this is right. I need to be sure you won't get hurt again."

Buffy rolled her eyes, muttering "Yeah, never heard that one before," almost too pleased when her younger self sprang up, clearly as frustrated with his bullshit as she was and muttered almost unkindly, "You know it's a good thing I didn't fantasize about you turning human only about 10 zillion times, because today would have been a real let down." And though Buffy smirked, glad her words had found their mark she cold tell that her younger self regretted them at once as Angel flinched and she sighed, asking resignedly, _I know I did own that sweater_- "So how does the mature plan go? You call me? I call you? What?"

Angel stepped over to her and Buffy shivered, knowing what was coming even without knowing…"We stay in touch - just not-"

"Literally. Funny." Her younger self locked eyes with him _oh-not-good_ before walking past him with strength Buffy hadn't realized she'd possessed at that age, saying with more confidence than she felt "Okay, I'd better.."

Angel turned to look after her and even though it wasn't really funny Buffy couldn't help but giggle at the scene playing out before her. _We really were sort of comical-_ "Right. Remove the temptation."

Buffy spun back around, saying with a barely audible gulp, "So, we'll - talk soon," before putting her hand on top of his on the counter. And despite herself Buffy felt her heart constrict at the way in which they both instantly stared down at their hands like they were the most fascinating things in the world before Angel turned his hand around to grab hers- and suddenly they were crashing together.

She couldn't tell who made the move exactly- it really was one of those moments in life where if you blinked it was over-but suddenly they were- kissing was not an adequate word to describe it and Buffy knew as though she had actually lived it _oh my god, I actually lived it_ that they were not going to stop as they stumbled awkwardly into the refrigerator and Buffy _god, why am I thinking about myself in the third person_ grabbed his shoulders so tightly her knuckles turned white, leaping upward so that her legs wrapped tightly around his waist and his hands groped her ass as they moved toward the table and he threw her almost violently down on it as he swept it clean.

_Oh my god, please tell me we are not about to have sex on the kitchen table and why am I still watching this anyway, I should look at- um, the floor, yes- _but despite her best efforts Buffy could not tear her eyes away as, within ten seconds of getting her onto the table Angel had ripped her shirt clear of her body, literally shredding it and tossing the remains on the floor.

Her younger self gasped as he began to suck on her neck, wrapping her legs tighter around his waist and intentionally rotating her hips rewarded by his groan as he began to fumble with the button on her pants.

"Oh what the fuck?" she heard her younger self demand in a tone she was sure she'd never heard come out of her mouth before _and when did I start saying fuck- I must have been older than that _and probably never would again, "You think I care? Just rip them off too." She watched herself blush slightly before she added, rolling her eyes slightly self-deprecatingly, "I was, like, way more attached to the sweater anyway."

Buffy and her younger self both gasped as he immediately took her at her word, and her pants ripped cleanly in half _guess his hundred years of experience with Darla were good for something after all_ and fell to the floor with a soft woosh. "I'm sorry," he said, sounding anything but as he drank in the sight of her nearly naked body. "It was a very nice sweater."

"Angel, two things" her younger self gasped. "First of all, no more talking. Second of all, if you ever apologize to me for anything ever again ever, I WILL kill you, and thirdly-"

"You said two things," he smirked, eyes full of lust, and Buffy was surprised as her younger self smirked wickedly back, reaching up a hand and popping all the buttons off his shirt with one quick motion, throwing it to the floor.

"I didn't say the third thing involved speaking," she purred reaching backward to unhook her bra and throwing it on top of his shirt, and Buffy stared at the scene almost aghast, disbelieving that she could ever have been so bold as she heard young-Buffy say, "We've had, like, four years of foreplay. DO. ME. NOW."

"Well, we now know why he thought I cared about the sex," she muttered dryly to herself, almost as stunned by Angel's lack of objection to the _doing her NOW_ idea as she was by the fact that she'd suggested it to begin with, as he sputtered,

"I really want you to know that I-"

"I know," her younger self replied softly, gently caressing his cheek then rolled her eyes, "believe it or not, I don't suggest the 'doing it now' plan to every guy I meet on the street."

He gave her a genuine smile then, and for a second Buffy thought that they were actually going to make it to the bedroom after all as her younger self wriggled backward slightly- only to rip his belt off and divest him of his pants in what had to have been three seconds flat as he tore her panties off her body.

Buffy did look away then, wishing it were a dream so she could just wake up as she heard their moans and grunts followed by a huge crash. Her eyes snapped upward despite herself as she saw the two of them, still going at it on the floor amidst the splintered pieces of one VERY BROKEN table.

---

_Next time: Angels dream, and what happens when they wake up :)_

Feedback is SO appreciated, you can't know. Thanks to everyone who leaves it and everyone who has in the past :)


	9. Chapter Seven B: Necklace

_Okay, well. I hate this chapter. I fully expect for all of you to hate this chapter. I have been looking at it in frustration for what seem slike forever and yet- it is just how it has gone. And that is how it is. I promise an explaination of Buffy's viewpoint will follow in the next chapter and for now that's all I can do / Feedback is as always appreciated and treasured to infinity:)  
_

Angel frowned slightly as he found himself in a room he was pretty sure he'd never seen Buffy in front of him on the floor, legs curled neatly under her as she pulled a notebook from a box sighing before she discarded it and continued to comb through the contents, pulling out a photo of her and her mom and smiling briefly at it before discarding it as well, continuing to dig.

"Looking for something?" he inquired, slightly confused when she gave no acknowledgement that she'd heard him and frowned down at the box before sighing in what could only have been frustration and standing up _she's been crying_, turning off the light to the room before walking out into the hallway and making a right, climbing the stairs. He followed her, reaching out to grab her arm and force her to turn and face him, amazed when his hand sailed right through her body and she continued forward as though nothing had happened.

"Weird dream," he mused to himself, frowning as she reached what must have been her bedroom and sighed again, pulling her flimsy sweater over her head _okay, maybe not such a weird dream if it's about to involve naked Buffy_ and almost instantly replacing it with a t-shirt, shimmying out of her jeans that seemed just a little tight _at least she's at a healthy weight again _and yanking on boxer shorts before grabbing a tooth brush and turning to head into the bathroom.

"BUFFY!" Angel suddenly hard a familiar voice scream from downstairs and the girl jumped slightly in surprise, dropping the toothbrush before shouting back

"Connor? What's going on?"

The words weren't even fully out of her mouth before he burst into the room, crossbow aimed in front of him. Buffy's jaw dropped in surprise, and then, to Angel's shock, she actually giggled.

"Now Connor," she said, slowly, slight smirk on her face, "I know we had that little disagreement earlier about whether or not the cake you made was- well, edible- but I didn't realize you were THAT angry with me about it-"

Connor flashed her a weak smile. "Sorry. I just- I saw the mess downstairs and I thought that- sorry."

Buffy's smile faded. "Yeah, well, not like the world's been the safest ever lately. Easy mistake." She shrugged, offering a weak smile. "What're you doing here so late? I mean, not that you're not welcome her, because, I mean, totally welcome, but- shouldn't you be out having a good time or- um, at least fighting evil or something? You know, a typical Friday night?"

"I could ask you the same thing."

Buffy looked sheepish. "Yeah, I know, I know, I should have some fun. Willow and I were supposed to actually get together and do the pizza thing, but she thinks she's finally had a breakthrough in translating that prophesy thingy-"

"Seriously?" Connor asked eagerly as Angel blinked in confusion and Buffy nodded.

"Yeah. Apparently it's something about how I need to be married or am married or something-" she rolled her eyes. "Which, I mean, come on, SO lame, what with the whole 21st century empowered single woman thing going on, but…" she shrugged. "Anyway, I guess we'll know more when she figures it out."

"I hope so. I know Giles has been a little freaked about it."

To Angel's surprise Buffy actually snorted. "He'll survive."

_This is so weird. Why would I be seeing Buffy's memories of the time between my death and her marriage to Rupert? Is this some weird way to give me comfort or-_

"So," Connor said, casually leaning against the door, "Instead of renting a movie on your own you decided to throw everything you ever owned out of your downstairs closet?"

Buffy blushed, looking downward. "I was looking for something."

"Must've been an important something," he said, narrowing his eyes appraisingly.

She shrugged, bending down to pick her toothbrush off the floor and, Angel realized, effectively avoiding his son's eyes. "Used to be."

"Okay, could I maybe get a straight answer, even if that straight answer is 'it's none of your business Conner?'" he inquired bluntly, but not unkindly, and Angel desperately wished he could pat his son on the back for saying what he'd been thinking.

"No it's just- silly," she said. "I used to- your dad gave me a necklace a long time ago. And I just- I don't remember where I put it."

"Oh," Conner said, hesitating before continuing, "Was it- pretty?"

She laughed. "Pretty? It was- um, okay, I guess. As far as crosses go it was- well, I mean, Angel was always very tasteful. It was-" she frowned, "in good taste. A little bit bulky, you know, but it saved my life a few times so guess I can't complain."

Conner frowned slightly. "Why were you looking for it tonight?"

She frowned again, seeming to try to decide if she could say something to him, and then shrugged. "It's really dumb, but- it's because there aren't any pictures."

"What do you-"

"Like, sometimes I miss Xander," she said quickly, "and when that happens, there are pictures. And they- I mean, they make me feel worse in some ways, but they're proof he was there. That I didn't just, you know, dream one of my best friends. There's Buffy, and there's Xander, and they're in the picture and they're smiling. But- I mean, I don't have any of Angel. That always kind of bugged me, honestly, but now- god, now it's-"

"I understand."

She bit her lip. "Thanks. I think. I was always scared to say that to him, but talking to you I feel like maybe- I mean, he wouldn't have understood but-"

"Oh, I think he would have understood," Conner cut her off and her eyes snapped up.

"Angel didn't think about… transient things like that," she said with finality and Connor laughed.

"Oh, he might not have thought about transient things, but he did think about you. His whole library was practically a shrine to Buffy: photo-montage version."

"I don't understand," she said hesitantly and Conner smiled slightly.

"Sometimes I'd go look through his books-"

"He liked to read," Buffy said dully than looked at Conner apologetically. "Sorry. It's just- so hard because sometimes I really do feel like I imagined him and then I think that if I don't say he obvious stuff I might even forget what I imagined and I—"

"I know," Conner said. "But my point was that- in any book that he had any respect for whosoever there was a picture of you." He smirked at her. "It was a little creepy, actually."

Angel cringed as she laughed again, feeling like the laugh was somehow mocking him _don't be stupid_ and surprised at how well Buffy and Connor seemed to have actually gotten along as Conner pushed off the door. "Well. Since you're okay and it is late- I should probably be going."

"No!" Buffy exclaimed shocking Angle- and judging from the look on his son's face, surprising him as well with her vehemence. "I mean, yes, but- why did you come to begin with?"

Angels eyes narrowed slightly as his son shrugged, smirking almost flirtatiously. "Maybe I missed you."

Buffy laughed again, rolling her eyes. "Riiight, since it had been a full two hour since you saw me."

"Buffy," Connor said, voice serious as he took a step toward her, "Most of what I heard about you I heard from Cordelia and whispers behind my back about my dad and you-"

"Yeah, somehow people never did get sick of talking about that," she half-smiled, rolling her eyes, but there was no real joy in the gesture as he continued,

"And honestly based on all that, I could never piece together what my dad had seen in you. I mean, obviously there was the whole 'ah, slayer, forbidden' factor going but I didn't- understand. And knowing you now- I understand. And for some reason I wanted to say that to you. And that's why I came here."

"Oh," she said slowly, taking a small but very definite step toward him. "I- guess that's a good reason to come."

Angel's hands clenched at his sides as he saw his son lean ever-so-gently toward the only woman he had ever truly loved and gently stroke her lower lip with his thumb, recoiled as though slapped when Buffy shivered slightly and took another small step forward.

"I feel for you," Connor said abruptly, slowly, uncertainly. "I don't want to. I try not to. I know you don't… I don't think you could ever- but I needed to tell you that-"

"Thank you," Buffy said softly, leaning forward and kissing his cheek, pulling back slightly and locking eyes with Connor who took advantage of her hesitation to lean forward and gently press his lips to hers as Angel cringed. That was nothing to the pain he felt, however when Buffy deepened the kiss, coiling a hand in his son's hair and going up on tip-toes to improve the angle as she reached her other hand shakily hand up to caress his cheek.

"We shouldn't" Conner gasped, pulling away from her and Angel watched Buffy blink up at him in confusion, the exact same expression that used to be on her face when she's blink up at him on her face, and in that moment he felt a little it of his soul die.

"Why not?" she questioned in what seemed to be genuine bewilderment.

"You don't love me," he said softly and to Angel's surprise Buffy shrugged.

"I didn't say I did. I think that- maybe I could though. Someday. And isn't that-"

"Let me put it another way," Conner cut her off sharply. "You still love my father."

"No I don't," Buffy said dully and angel clenched his fists again, fighting the irrational urge to scream at the words he had left her to begin with so that she would someday be able to utter. "I swear to you."

"Buffy-"

"I swear to you, I want this."

And with those words Angel watched in pain as she fisted her hand in his son's shirt and kissed him again, pulling him over to the bed.

--

_Next chapter: Buffy and Angel wake up (dramatic slightly ominous music). Feedback is adored._


	10. Chapter Eight: Angry? I'd Say So

Buffy stirred slightly, feeling like she was waking up from a very deep sleep.

"I know what I'm doing," she heard Ethan growl as if from very far away. "They will wake up with hatred in their hearts- toward one another. There's no need to restrain them."

As she heard whoever was with Ethan leave the room, Buffy shakily pulled herself up, mind whirled in overtime as she looked over at Angel who was also slowly standing.

Torn between confronting Ethan and confronting her ex-lover she looked uncertainly between them for a minute before quietly asking Angel, "What did you see?"

There was a long pause during which Buffy realized he was, like her, trying to decide who to confront before he answered briefly, "I'd rather not talk about it."

She cringed. "That bad huh?"

He nodded shortly, just once, as she surveyed the room sharply.

"Oh," she said briefly, looking downward.

"You?" he inquired.

"It was- painful," she replied softly, then turned to Ethan. "Why would you- what did you show us?" she demeaned, fists clenched at her sides and Ethan blinked in confusion at the scene playing out before him. They were supposed to be fighting already-

"Nothing untrue," he said shortly, deciding that the problem must be that they didn't believe what they'd seen had actually transpired. "They two of you were granted free access to the others memories and merely saw the truth."

Angel snorted. "It's been a few years since I was able to brush up my Latin," he snapped brusquely, "and we did collapse immediately afterward and all, so maybe my memory about what you said isn't quite what it should be, but I seem to remember something about showing us hatred. We weren't given free access to anything. We were led directly to what would anger us the most."

"Did it work?" Ethan asked smugly, confident that he knew the answer.

Angel and Buffy looked at one another for a long moment before she nodded at him, just once, and they turned back to face Ethan.

"Oh, I'd say so," she chirped, smiling at him. "Wouldn't you, Angel?"

"Most definitely," he retorted.

Ethan's eyes widened as they both moved forward at once, knocking him unconscious.

"I vote that we kill him," Buffy said briefly, looking down at Ethan's unconscious body and then up at Angel who shook his head slightly.

"Not that I object to that plan, but we should get out of here," he retorted curtly.

"Do they have to be mutually exclusive?" she near-pouted, and under different circumstances he would have smiled at the expression on her face.

"He doesn't want you dead," Angel said and she looked at him in confusion. He sighed, adding, "That gives us an advantage we might not have with his successor."

"Since he thought we were going to kill one another," she retorted through clenched teeth, rolling her eyes, "I'd say he's probably over his charitable impulses toward me."

"He thought you were going to kill me," Angel said shortly, looking down at her in near-exasperation. "Whatever he may have said, he had to have known I could never kill you."

"Excuse me?" she inquired incredulously. "Did you, like, MISS the year in my life where you were Angelus and I STILL couldn't kill you? What makes you think that he'd think I'd be the more likely person to-"

His eyes flashed in anger. "Well, the important thing is, he was wrong." Angel rolled his eyes and Buffy almost laughed at the gesture, so foreign looking on him, as he continued, "That curse was popular almost two centuries ago and it only works when both parties involved already hate one another. If they don't it just leads to-"

"Confusion and disappointment?" Buffy finished for him and he grimaced slightly before adding,

"And hurt." He paused for a moment then shook his head. "What did you do to anger him so badly anyway?"

She sighed. ""Long story," then shook her head. "Too long." She looked down at Ethan before sighing again, louder, and conceding softly, "You're right. Let's just go," heading toward the door.

He grabbed her arm, whipping her around to face him and gesturing upward. "Easiest way out is up."

She looked at him incredulously. "You can't think I'm leaving without my kids?"

He looked back at her with equal disbelief. "You can't think I came for you without trying to find them first? They're not here."

She opened her mouth to ask if he was sure, then thought better of it. "Thank you. For trying," she said softly.

"Sorry I couldn't find them," he replied shortly.

"It's okay," she replied, even as she felt crying, bending her knees and leaping with all her strength, grabbing for the roof.

---

"Okay, so, what now?" Buffy inquired as she looked around the outside of the building.

"I think this is the part where we get as far away as possible," Angel deadpanned.

"Right. Good plan," she replied, looking around her at the very dead city street.

"Well, what do you think-" he began but was silenced as a bullet went whizzing neatly between them and Buffy jerked backward.

"Considering the circumstances?" she quipped. "I'd say grand theft auto sounds good."

"What-" he began to inquire but didn't need to wonder for long as she dove toward the nearest vehicle, smashing the driver's side window and quickly unlocking the doors, screaming, "Get in!" as another shot was fired.

"Buffy, you don't know how to-" he began as she smashed the key mechanism to reveal the rotation switch and yanked a pin out of her hair to maneuver it, car springing to life.

"Oh, come on," she retorted, rolling her eyes and slamming down on the gas pedal. "It's not really rocket science to hotwire a car."

"I was going to say 'drive'" Angel said through clenched teeth, cringing as she swerved violently to avoid a lamppost within five seconds.

"Look on the bright side," she chirped, increasing the speed as he closed his eyes. "They'll never get a straight shot."

--

Exactly two hours later Buffy pulled off the road and into a garage attached to a very large home as Angel looked at her curiously.

"Do you think we lost them?" she inquired shortly and he snorted.

"It's hard to say. I mean, with all those people we almost ran over and everything I sort of lost track of whether-"

"Don't be a smart-ass," she said, looking at her watch as she got out of the car.

"Where are we?" he inquired as he followed her toward the outside of the house.

She lowered her eyes. "This is- this is where Rupert and I lived."

"Not to criticize your logic, but won't this be the first place they look?" Angel demanded sharply.

"They won't believe I would go somewhere so obvious. At least not until they check all the places Rupert and I bought as potential hideouts that they don't know that I know they know about." She frowned. "I didn't say that very well."

"No, I got it," he replied.

"We'll leave again at sunset," she said with finality. "Until then, there are plenty of secret passages in the house… even if they come here they'll never find us."

"Secret-"

"This is where we based the resistance."

He shook his head. "I still don't understand what that means."

She sighed. "Come inside. We should talk. About- everything."

"Agreed."

She walked over to the door, uttering a brief incantation before stepping inside, frowning as he continued to stare at her from outside. "I said you could come in."

"Won't they be able to tell, then, that you-"

Her brow furrowed before she looked at him, clarity on her face. "Oh! No! The binding spells are only effective in the major cities. Chicago, Los Angeles, Boston, New York. That's why they made me move there. Now come ON, the sun's about to come up."

He stepped inside, startled to see the wreckage inside the house that had seemed so immaculate from the outside. Noting his gaze Buffy sighed. "Let's just say I never did learn the whole 'going down without a fight' concept."

"What happened here?"

She bit her lip, gaze half mischievous and half devastated as she retorted, "I think we should go in chronological order this time, don't you? It will probably make more sense that way."

"Okay."

"Good," she replied with a short nod. 'Then why don't we start with that time that you were human and we broke your kitchen table?"


	11. Chapter Nine: Definitely NOT Nevermind

Angel looked at her with the most stunned expression she'd ever seen on his perpetually stoic face, and despite everything, all the years and all the hurt, she had to fight the urge to smile. "A little much with the shock horror here?" she bantered but very, very carefully, somehow aware that anything she might say might hurt him more than she would ever mean to and so stepping very carefully as she moved to pull the curtains closed and turned to walk out of the room, gesturing for him to follow her and frowning as he just continued to look at her in pained silence.

She took a tentative step toward him, extending a hand almost unthinkingly and then letting it drop heavily to her side. "I'm sorry," she said slowly. "I should have- I shouldn't have just said it that way. I just-"

"It's okay," he said slowly, drawing his eyes to meet hers and flinching as he did so. "It's just- that was a very long time ago and I-"

He stopped, shaking his head, and she took another step toward him, waiting for endless moments for him to continue and biting her lip as he didn't, tilting her head to the side in the old way he knew so well and questioning in a very small voice, "Angel? What are you thinking?"

"I don't know," he replied, blinking rapidly and looking downward, hiding his eyes from her once more.

"Liar," she said, almost too softly for him to hear her and he recoiled as though slapped.

"I guess I am," he admitted quietly, and she frowned, taking another step forward before stopping abruptly, not daring to get any closer to his tense form as she said softly,

"How long ago?"

"For you?" he inquired sharply, not needing to ask what she was referring to. "Over ten years."

She nodded slowly, measuring each word carefully as she said softly, "It feels shorter for you."

His eyes flashed up to meet hers again and she took an inadvertent step back at the naked pain she saw in them. "Yes."

"What- happened?" she asked slowly. "Was it a… trick? I- I remember I said something about how the powers might have been- tricksters-"

"Pranksters," he replied unthinkingly, and then flinched as she looked at him in confusion.

"What?"

"You- the word you used was pranksters."

She bit her lip, having no idea how to respond. "I- can't believe you remember that."

"I remember a lot of things," he bit out shortly and she took a step toward him again, whispering,

"I know. I do too. Not-" she blushed, "not of that day, but there have been nights when I just laid awake, remembering every word you ever said to me… tried to remember the exact tone of your voice that night I asked why you were hanging around me and you said that maybe you liked me-"

A ghost of a smile flitted across his face. "You should have seen the expression on your face when your mother walked in."

She smiled back, relieved that he no longer looked like a stone statue as she retorted, "It's okay, I got to see the expression on yours."

He shook his head in something resembling amusement, but the smile slowly faded from his face as he asked, "How much do you remember?"

"I told you- oh! You mean of- oh!" she said, blushing slightly as she looked down at the floor. "Well, I mean, the broken table was one particularly vivid visual-"

"Which one?" he asked, and she smiled again, thinking he was trying to make a joke and quickly disabused of that notion by the expression on his face.

"Oh!" she squeaked. "There was- more than one?"

He nodded what could only be perceived as bleakly and she frowned slightly, briefly contemplating. "Must've been the first one," she said with certainty. "But how did we-"

"Never mind," he replied in his best 'this portion of the conversation is over' voice and is tone angered her more than it should have as she shook her head vehemently.

"No," Buffy said, voice rising slightly in volume even as she tried to remind herself to be gently with him, "NOT never mind. DEFINITELY mind! We broke multiple tables and I can't remember any of it, and you're trying to tell me to shut up? NO. Now is when you get to tell me what the hell is going on!"

"That's what I don't get," he said carefully, and she sighed in frustration, counting to ten in her head as he continued, "They- the powers promised me you'd never remember any of it and it seemed like- even after you came back from heaven, it seemed like they had told me the truth- I don't understand how a spell as basic as the one Ethan preformed could have been strong enough to-"

"It's- I mean, honestly, I don't remember" she interrupted him, and despite the fact that he had thought that was what he wanted to hear he could feel his face fall as she rushed on, "I could see it but," she shrugged in frustration. "I couldn't feel anything. I mean, I was feeling things in reaction to what was going on in front of me but- I can't remember. It's like- I watched a movie and I have a memory of watching that and what I felt watching that but not of living it." At the look on Angels face she cringed apologetically. "I wish I did. You can't know how much. I could see the memory but it- wasn't mine."

"You're lucky," he replied with certainty, which somehow only angered her more.

"I don't think so," she retorted sharply. "I think I'd like to have the memory even if it hurt, because I-" she choked on a half sob as she blurted out, "I don't need to actually remember or to have seen more to know that must have been the happiest day of my life."

"I think it was," he replied softly and she took a frustrated step forward before shaking her head and going to sit cross-legged on a couch that looked only slightly worse for the wear, tentatively gesturing for him to come sit by her. He expelled a long sigh before stalking over, sitting as far from her on the couch as possible.

"What happened?" she asked again and as he looked downward she reached a hand out, against her better judgment cupping his cheek in her hand and forcing his head up, locking eyes with him. "I have to know. Please."

"We had a really great day," he replied carefully, reaching his own hand up and gently but definitely removing her own from his cheek, though he didn't break eye contact. "Or, more accurately, a really great seventeen hours, eight minutes, and twenty-eight seconds."

"Tell me," she said softly, a tear drifting down her cheek for reasons she couldn't fully identify mush less understand as he took a shaky and unneeded breath.

"The short version? Do you remember the Morah demon?"

She frowned, brow puckering before she shook her head. "I'm sorry, I don't."

He had to fight not to gape at her, reminding himself that it wasn't her fault, that she couldn't possibly understand the significance-

"Oh. Do you remember the time you came to see me in LA? After I came to Sunnydale and-"

"Lurked?" she finished with a small smirk, glad to be able to nod. "Right after I started college? Yeah, I remember."

"The demon that crashed in while we were talking?"

She rolled her eyes. "That you got rid of in, like, two seconds flat? What about him?" her nose wrinkled. "Other than the extreme yuck factor?"

"The first time- that you don't remember- we didn't kill him."

She blinked, then shook her head, standing up in frustration before sitting back down again. "I have so obviously been awake for too long. That doesn't make any sense. What first time?"

"We didn't kill him and I got wounded and some of his blood mixed with mine. The Morah's blood has the ability to turn the supernatural human-"

Her mouth formed a small 'o', face clearing in acceptance of what he was saying before her brow furrowed in confusion again. "But- I don't understand. Where did the day go?"

"I- asked the powers to take it back."

Buffy blinked rapidly, opening her mouth to try to speak, slightly alarmed as no sound came out, and she took a deep breath before beginning carefully, "You asked. The Powers. To take. It Back," slowly and incredulously, slamming her mouth shut and biting down HARD on her lip to prevent from saying anything she would certainly later regret, biting out the single word "EXPLAIN," and not trusting herself to say more.

"I wasn't- strong anymore. I couldn't' help you fight."

"I know," Buffy said slowly after an almost unnaturally long pause, shaking her head incredulously, nails digging into her palms almost hard enough to draw blood, "That you are NOT saying to me that you gave up mortality because you missed being a superhero. I KNOW that you would not be saying that to me."

"Would it make it easer for you to think I was?"

She looked up at him with confused eyes before slowly, reluctantly shaking her head. "No. You know that."

He sighed, closing his eyes so he wouldn't need to face her as he tried to explain, "It wasn't- the strength itself. It was- I couldn't protect you."

"I know I'm not hearing this," she said again, slightly hysterically this time and he rushed on, knowing if he didn't say it now he couldn't ever.

"I loved you too much to let you die. You were going to die and I couldn't live with that. I wanted my mortality more than I've ever wanted anything in my life, but I wanted for you to be okay more. Don't you understand that?"

"Okay?" she repeated incredulously. "You. Wanted me. To be. OKAY."

He looked downward, realizing how silly it sounded now, in light of everything. "Yes."

"Well newsflash," she began angrily, "I have NOT been okay. Every day with you was worth ten years to me how could you not-" and then she looked at his face and, despite everything inside her that cried out for her to scream at him and hurt him as badly as he had hurt her, she suddenly realized, acutely, that there was no way he could be any more tormented over what had happened than he already was. That she couldn't even begin to comprehend his pain. That no matter how wrong he had been it wasn't what he needed to hear, and that it was entirely in her hands whether careless words would wound him even more deeply or more prudent ones would help him start to heal. And so, she took a deep breath and prepared to deliberately lie to him for the first time, saying softly,

"You did the wrong thing."

His eyes flashed up to meet hers and they were even more tortured than she had thought they would be as he said hoarsely, "I can't believe that."

"You did the wrong thing," she repeated with more conviction, gently reaching out and grabbing his hand as she hurried on, "You should have told me this a long time ago. You- you shouldn't have had to go through it alone. I- would have understood," she lied, choking past the sob in her throat as she continued. "I- I do. Understand. And- I just wish you hadn't had to go through it alone."

"No," he said, voice hoarse, and if it had been anyone but Angel she would have been scared he was going to start to cry as he whispered, "I wanted to spare you that. There was no reason for you to need to live with what might have been-"

"Why not?" she inquired in genuine confusion, voice breaking slightly. "You had to."

"That was different. I chose it."

_Damn straight you did,_ she thought, forcing herself to offer forgiveness that she wasn't sure she would ever truly feel as she whispered. "I know. But you didn't want to. And- I mean, just because we choose something doesn't mean it hurts us less. How could you not know I would get that?"

"Thank you," he said softly and she looked at him with wide eyes.

"For what?"

"For- trying to understand."

She squeezed his hand. "Honest. I do," she lied bravely, wondering when it had become more difficult to lie than to tell the truth, what twisted trick of fate had made that a sign of greater maturity instead of the opposite….

Suddenly her close proximity to Angel occurred to her and she recoiled slightly as she realized she'd been unconsciously inclining her head toward his _god, I really need to get over this juvenile urge to kiss him_ and she scooted backward on the couch, squeezing his hand one more time before gently releasing it.

"So," she said, trying to keep her voice light and almost deliberately setting out to kill the mood, "When Ethan- what did you see?"

His face closed off again at once and she cringed _he wasn't lying, it really was bad_ and her own face fell.

"I told you, I don't want to talk about it."

"Why not? It's not healthy to-"

"I'm not like you," he cut her off. "Talking things through doesn't help me-"

She snorted. "Yes, I could see how through your vast experience with talking things through you would have come to that conclusion," she snapped incredulously, then sighed. "Sorry. But- honestly, what did you see? I- want to explain- whatever I was- I mean, if I can... and I think I can," she babbled slightly nervously, and he narrowed his eyes slightly, inquiring,

"What do you think I saw?"

"NO WAY am I opening that can of worms," she replied incredulously. "I might be impulsive but I'm not a crazy person. Plus, totally not a fair question. I didn't ask what you thought I saw."

"I thought you saw me and Cordelia," he replied calmly and she flushed.

"Oh." She bit her lip lightly. "So- then you saw me with a guy," she deduced quietly. "Spike?" she ventured. "Because I was at a very bad place in my life when-"

"Connor," he admitted so quietly she wasn't even sure she'd heard him correctly and the silence was deafening as emotions played across her face.

"Oh," she whispered. "Right. Connor."

"You don't have to explain," he said abruptly, standing up rapidly, stunned when she grabbed his wrist and yanked him forcefully back down.

"Oh, I DEFINITELY need to explain," she said firmly. "It would take a really stupid and cruel person to think I didn't."

"I was dead, you were lonely-" but he snapped his mouth shut at the devastated expression on her face.

"What did you see?"

"There was- more than one encounter?" he asked sharply and she frowned slightly before smirking, trying halfheartedly to joke,

"Well, I guess it would be only fair, since we broke more than one table-" stopping at the tortured expression on his face.

"No," she said earnestly, fighting the urge to grab for his hand again. "If you're talking about what I think you're talking about there was only the one encounter. I'm asking what part of it you saw."

"I-don't understand," he replied slowly and she fought the urge to either roll her eyes or let out a frustrated cry as she elaborated,

"I'm asking if you saw he part where we were flirting and kissing or if you saw the part where we were- well, seriously making out in bed- or, um- if you saw the part I started begging him to stop."

--

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_Expect more soon! (And feedback also makes me write faster hehe  )_


	12. Chapter Ten: Fortitude

"I'm guessing they didn't give you the whole thing and I'm not sure which part would have hurt you more, so I'm asking," Buffy whispered, looking down at her tightly folded hands and subsequently missing the shocked and tortured expression that he couldn't mask as he barked sharply, voice angrier than she had heard it since he was Angelus,

"Did he?"

"Did he what?" she asked in confusion, still unable to look up at him for a long moment, giving him a chance to wipe all emotion from his face. She gulped and looked up just as he assumed his mask of indifference, but apparently could still see something in his eyes as her face cleared instantly. "Oh. You mean did he stop- with me," she said dully and slightly awkwardly before deciding, once again, to try to turn it into a joke as she scoffed, "Like he could have taken me if it came to that?"

She instantly regretted the words, however, as Angel was unable to mask his fury, jumping up and muttering something under his breath that sounded remarkably like "I'll rip his fucking head off."

"No!" she said sharply, against her better judgment deciding not to ignore his outburst. "There will be none of that! He stopped! I swear he did!" She stood, placing her hand on her hips and wishing she were 5 or 6 inches taller as she said in disbelief, "Were you not listening to the portion of the conversation earlier when I told you he was my daughter's godfather? Believe it or not I wouldn't have given that title to a rapist. I know you don't have the highest opinion ever of me right now, but give me SOME credit!"

He muttered something else under his breath, this time too quietly for her to hear and she rolled he eyes. "I'm going to assume that was an apology," she said and he looked at her incredulously before biting out,

"Why should I apologize to you?" though clenched teeth.

Her jaw dropped in disbelief before she took a menacing step toward him, eyes flashing as she snapped, "What, and I owe you one? I did the best I could!"

"By almost sleeping with my son?" he asked, clenching his fists as his voice rose. "I suppose I'm supposed to admire your fortitude because you decided not to fuck him just as he was taking your panties off- or were they already off?"

She gaped at him, momentarily too stunned to feel any hurt or anger whatsoever, thinking only of what she could say that would hurt him as much as he was trying to hurt her. "How DARE you say that to me?" she demanded with a brashness she did not feel and if he hadn't been so beside himself, he couldn't have missed the shaky quality of her voice. "And at least he didn't use goddamned 18th century words like _fortitude_," she spit out. "I can tell you the truth now: they aren't exactly a turn on!" she snapped cruelly.

"Well I guess I understand now why you married Rupert," he stated coldly and her eyes flashed once more as her hand flew upward. For one desperate moment he was sure she was going to hit him, but instead she yanked that hand in frustration though her hair as she snapped brutally,

"You leave him OUT of this!"

They stared one another down for a long moment, but ultimately Buffy was not able to remain silent, beginning to pace as she suddenly burst out with,

"Oh come on! REALLY, how stupid are you? First of all, what with your TWO HUNDRED AND FIFTY years of life experience, I would have thought that just MAYBE you would have realized, in whatever portion of that night you saw, that I had been DRINKING." She lowered her voice slightly, ceasing her pacing and blushing as she looked down at the floor and continued, "Not that it's an excuse, but come ON. Did you see the part where I LAUGHED when Connor was pointing a crossbow at me? Did you see the part where I was tying for THREE HOURS to find that stupid, UGLY necklace you gave me and cried when I couldn't? These are not the acts of a sober Buffy," and despite everything he smiled slightly as she referred to herself in the third person before his brow furrowed.

"You thought the cross was ugly?" he asked in disbelief. "I spent seven months picking that out! It was from-

"Oh whatever," she snapped, waving her hand dismissively. "I loved it because it was from you, is that what I'm supposed to say? I did! But I am TALKING here, do you MIND? Where was I…" she muttered, biting her lip in reflection before exclaiming triumphantly, "Oh!" as he stared at her in amazement. "FUTHERMORE," she continued angrily, "What the hell is your problem? You were dead. I never really knew Connor in conjunction with you. I mean, granted he's not the most attractive person, but he is one of the kindest- a little rough around the edges but he has a good heart- and anyway! EVEN HE could tell I was just doing what I did that night to prove some point having to do with you! It's always you! And I HATE you for that!" she screamed, a sob escaping unexpectedly from her throat, and she took a deep and shaky breath before continuing, much more quietly, "I wanted SO BADLY for it to not be you, and then I was with him and I just- you wouldn't go away." She shook her head slowly in a kind of defeat before shrugging helplessly, eyes wide. "You never go away," she whispered. "And I hate you for that."

There was a long pause as she took a few deep breaths, chest heaving from the effort it was taking not to either burst into hysterical tears or attack him brutally, physically. He stared at her silently and his face was carefully blank, eyes carefully averted, making her want to scream in frustration. Anything for some kind of release- "Come on," she whispered softly after an eternity. "We should go upstairs. I mean," she cracked a halfhearted smile, "What good are secret passageways if you never get to use them, right?" She brushed past him toward the door, shivering as her hand inadvertently brushed his, hesitating for the merest sliver of a second as he also froze… and then somehow he had grabbed her arms and was holding her carefully away from him, forcing her to meet his eyes.

"I know," he said, voice raw. "You never went away either. I hated you for it too. Only it was worse for me because it was my choice that you- I knew it was my fault that I didn't have you." He gulped. "You- understand."

She nodded slowly, a single tear drifting down her cheek as she admitted, "I always did, even when I was pretending I didn't. Even when I tried not to. It made it harder."

"I'm sorry," he whispered, not wholly sure what he was apologizing for, and she offered him a half smile, yanking herself out of his grasp.

"It took me a long time," she said slowly, as she turned away from him and he was glad she couldn't see his mouth fall open in surprise at the fact that she was extending the conversation even as he rued the fact that she had turned away from him and he couldn't see what she was thinking.

"What did?" he asked in confusion after a beat.

"To understand that you wanted it to end." she said against her better judgment turning to face him, jutting her chin out. "You wanted to die that night."

He was confused for a moment and only a moment at the seemingly abrupt change of subject, 

"Buffy-" he began slowly, wanting to explain, but she rushed onward quickly as though scared he might forcibly stop her, twirling a piece of hair around he finger nervously as she did so.

"I was so hurt that you didn't call me. I- I wanted to die." At his gesture of protest, she continued, more strongly, "No- I did. I really did. I won't lie about it now. But then I realized that you just- you wanted it to be over," She said, eyes filling with tears. "And as much as I could hate you for other things, I couldn't hate you for that. And then it got harder to hate you for anything else, either-"

"I never-" he tried to begin as she held up a hand.

"I know. Honest, Angel," she said quickly, reaching out a hand to him and pulling it back with extreme force of will, "I understand. I wish for the end every day, and it's not anyone's fault. I love my children. I loved Rupert. But for so long it's just been so bad and I just- I don't want to keep doing it anymore. I understand everything you ever did because I do it too. I just don't have the courage to follow it to its logical conclusion like you did-"

"Don't say that," he snapped at once, then forced himself to soften his voice, adding firmly, "I didn't mean to die," as she arched an eyebrow and offered him half of a very sad smile.

"No, but you know you would. And I'm just selfish- all I could think afterward was 'what about me?' I never- I couldn't realize- couldn't accept that maybe- for you- it was just- time, I don't know- I mean, I think I do know," she stuttered. "and I want you to know that- I'm selfishly glad you're back now, but- I understand that you're not happy about any of it, I wasn't, after- after I… came back, and I just- I'm sorry I haven't exactly been making it easier for you-" she let out a half-laugh, "or even tying to-"

He sighed, not unkindly, holding up a hand. "Is there- a point?"

"I- my point was just- I forgive you," she said in a rush, biting her lip nervously. "For all of it. Not because you need my forgiveness, because you really don't, but because-" she frowned slightly and he hated that she knew him so well even now as she whispered "I think you think you need it. And I want you to know you've always had it and- and I want you to know that-" she blushed, forcing herself to continue, "I mean, if you ever actually want to do the talking thing instead of the stoic silence thing- I'm here."

He swallowed with difficulty. "Thank you."

"Were you," she ventured softly, taking a deep breath, and he cold practically hear the conflict inside her head as she tried not to push it too far before finishing quietly, "When you were- gone. Was it like- heaven?"

"Yeah," he replied after a long moment, suddenly intensely taking an intense interest in the floor, unable to look at her. "I think it was."

Almost without realizing she was dong so she stepped closer to him. "What was it like for you?" she inquired curiosity alive in her eyes even as she kept her voice carefully neutral.

He shook his head. "It all seems like a dream now, even though it wasn't long ago- I can barely-" he shook his head. "What was it like for you when you-"

She smiled wanly, taking another step toward him. "Lots of sunshine."

His eyes snapped up, meeting hers sharply. "For you too?"

She nodded. "Yeah. Different people were there, sometimes… I'd see Giles once and a while, my mom… Willow." She paused, gathering courage. "You were there."

He lowered his eyes again before forcing them up to meet hers. "You were in mine, too," he admitted hoarsely.

Her eyes locked firmly with his and she wondered how far she dared go. "No. I mean- yes but… you weren't just there. You were-" and to her amazement she blushed again, "kind of the main player."

He looked slightly bemused and for a split second she thought he was going to reach out and pat her head or something equally humiliating; but to her surprise he just said hoarsely, "I knew what you meant. You were-the main player- in mine too."

Her mouth formed an exquisite 'o' but she couldn't think of what to say that wouldn't sound unbelievably trite, unbelievably wrong- and so she did the only thing she could, forced a wicked smile and asked casually, "Cool. So- was there sex?"

--

Feedback is adored, I truly do love all of you who leave it! And I promise the next chapter is going to be FUN! (take that as you will ;) )


	13. Chapter 11: Revelations and Red Camisole

_PLEASE NOTE: The end of this chapter contains some sexual material._

--

Angel blinked rapidly, his face a mixture of shock and… disbelief, Buffy decided, and she couldn't help the small giggle that escaped as she fought not to roll her eyes.

"I never got it," she said as his face grew questioning and he arched an eyebrow in unspoken inquiry as she offered an amused smile, beckoning with her head as she turned to walk out of the room for the third time, relieved to hear him following her.

"Never got what?" he inquired as she walked over to a winding stairway that looked on the verge of collapse, ignoring his question as she tested her weight on it, taking a deep breath as she started up, muttering something that sounded suspiciously like 'always said we should have just let them install the elevator but nooooo, that would have drawn too much attention," as the stairwell miraculously allowed them to ascend without any major mishap and she turned into a room so utterly and effortlessly tasteful that Angel knew instantly that Rupert must have decorated it. Buffy froze, eyes taking on that half-glazed look he had long ago learned meant she was lost in a memory, and he took advantage of the opportunity to look at the room closely, cringing as he noted a hole that had been punched through a cream colored wall, a Renoir painting that had been smashed into the hardwood floor-

"They wouldn't just believe me when I told them that there was no entrance into the secret passageways in this room," she said softly, seeming to read his thoughts as she sat down on the bed and bounced up and down playfully, an action that confused him for a moment until he saw a portion of the wall swing outward and allowed his jaw to drop in surprise as she shrugged, quipping lightly, "Ingenious, huh?" as she stepped into the dark hallway beyond the wall. He continued to survey the room _this was their bedroom_ until he noticed her holding out a hand and beckoning for him to follow, grim smile on her lips as he stepped toward her and the wall swung closed one more.

---

Angel followed Buffy down a long, dark hallway, surprised when she stopped suddenly and uttered an incantation, causing a door to appear from nowhere "You know how to undo concealment spells?" he blurted in surprise as she opened the door and stepped inside, quickly following her before the door disappeared again.

She shot him a funny look, turning on the light. "Shouldn't I? It's only a level two spell."

"Level-" he began, then was silent as he surveyed the scene before him- two long rows of neatly made cots, small bedside tables next to each one. "Was this a hospital?" he questioned, abandoning his first line of questioning as his brow furrowed and he tried to make sense of it.

"No." she whispered. "This is where Giles and I kept them."

Angel blinked in confusion, then decided to just embrace his frustration, near growling, 'Kept WHO?"

She took a deep breath, then sat down on the cot nearest to her, crossing her legs under her and twirling a stand of hair around her finger absently, which only served to annoy him more as he was forced to admit, if only to himself, that he hated that she had picked up a new nervous habit since he had last seen her, hated that she had done anything of any consequence at all that he didn't know about, hated Rupert for having gotten to see so much that he had not-

"Okay, the short version," her voice sliced through his thoughts as she adopted what he instantly remembered as her no nonsense voice _I remember too damn much._ "You died in that battle thingy. Chaos and disaster, blah blah blah, slayers come, slayers see, slayers-"

"Conquer?" he finished with a small smile and her eyes snapped up to meet his as she deadpanned bleakly,

"Die. I was going to say slayers die."

"How many?"

"Well," she said in a small voice, "I know you only just came back to life and everything, but I'm sure you've managed to deduce that I'm the only one left."

His jaw dropped and he sat heavily on the cot across from her. "How did-" _they all die _"you survive?"

She gave a wry smile. "Ironically enough, Ethan." The smile faded. "If I'd known it would come to this I would have just-" she sighed heavily. "But that was a long time ago now-"

"What happened?"

"Nothing good," she replied evenly. "He swept in and saved the day, right before the last stand. Bought a lot of Halicout witches with him-"

"Wait-" Angel said, brow furrowing. "Halicout- as in the Fairie Isle? I thought that was a myth."

She shrugged. "Guess not. Anyway, once they got here I barely needed to fight. A few words and it was done. That was also when I started to pick up some of the magic… turns out there are five… the fairies called them 'cases' of spells, and anyone can manage the first two- it's when you get up to the third level that you start to run into issues with people not having enough power-"

"How far can you go?" he asked curiously and she shrugged.

"The truth? Magic is not so much a Buffy skill. I barely nailed the level two spells down, and that was only after Willow died and Rupert started freaking out about how I needed to learn everything I could to protect myself-"

"Was that before or after your marriage?"

"After. Right before I got pregnant."

He felt his heart constrict uncomfortably again _don't be ridiculous, you have no heart_ at the words and forced himself to be patient, waiting for her to go on.

"It was good for a while," she said carefully, twirling the strand of hair around her finger again-

"When did you start doing that?" he blurted before he realized what he was doing and she blinked at him as though he were crazy, looking at him strangely before asking incredulously,

"Getting pregnant? I date it to the time I started to sleep with mortals-"

"No- Twirling your hair like that," he clarified, for once glad he didn't have any circulation as it prevented him from blushing as her expression cleared slightly before becoming even more confused.

"Didn't I always?"

"No," he replied hoarsely. "You didn't."

"I'm- sorry," she responded carefully, looking at him apologetically. "I don't know."

--

Buffy struggled against the very definite impulse to scream as her ex-lover looked at her with virtually no expression on his face- _polite interest, that's the word for it_ as she finished her very short explanation about the non-origin of her nervous habit. Deciding there was nothing to do but keep talking and pretending his utter lack of emotion where she was concerned didn't bother her _I mean, great news, he's more interested in my hair than what I've been up to for the past five years-_

"Anyway," she stated. "Long story short- the battle in LA was big. Humans found out about demons. They panicked. Ethan took advantage. Rupert and I were stupid and helped him. We got married, Ethan took over the government-"

And she felt vague triumph as some interest did flash in his eyes then and he asked doubtfully, "You're telling me Ethan is in chare of America's-"

"There is no America now," she said dully. "There's the International Association of Mortals against the supernatural and there's everyone else."

"And you and Rupert were everyone else," he deduced softly and she felt a small pang as she remembered suddenly how intelligent he'd been, too- when she was younger she had always been drawn to his strength, but what had hurt her most after his death was the slow realization that if he had lived they would have come to appreciate one another as equals, even if that only could have been as friends and even if it would have been hard-

"Buffy?" he asked uncertainly, pulling her out of her thoughts.

"I'm sorry," she said softly. "Do you know- do you believe in **aequabilis?"**

**His brow furrowed in confusion. "Equals?"**

**"No. I mean, yes, but not in the modern sense. In the ancient sense. A true meeting of the-"**

**"I understood what you meant," he interrupted her. "The fact that you were using Latin was a little bit of a giveaway."**

**"Oh," she said, looking slightly abashed. "Right. Silly me."**

**"I do. Believe it," he clarified, gazing at her sharply. "Why are you asking?'**

**"I don't know," she lied, then smiled. "You've been gone for a while, but you must remember I'm random."**

**He scoffed. "Is it random if it's done with intent?"**

**"Is anything done without intent?" she fired back.**

**"I think so."**

**She looked at him incredulously. "Without ANY intent? You really need to read Kant."**

**She almost laughed at the skeptical expression on his face. "You've read Kant?"**

**"I read a lot now. I have for a long time, I just used to be stupid and embarrassed to admit it. I mean, after you turned me on to poetry-"**

**"You hated poetry."**

**Buffy felt something akin to sadness flash through her quickly and she forced herself to ignore it, trying to forget how foolish she used to be before she admitted, "No. I loved it. If I could go back and do everything differently the only thing I'd change is that I would have admitted more to you- I was always so scared you wouldn't like me that I said stupid, hurtful things and it was wrong. I loved the poetry. I still have that Browning book you gave me for my 18th birthday-"**

**"Which poem is your favorite?" he asked disbelievingly and she smiled slowly.**

**"Are you testing me?" she asked, an amused challenge in her voice before she shrugged. "I've liked lots of her poems over the years, most of them at different times, but only one always seemed relevant…" She paused, struggling not to feel awkward as she began to recite, "**_Go from me. Yet I feel that I shall stand hence forward in thy shadow. Nevermore alone upon the threshold of my door of individual life, I shall command the uses of my soul, nor lift my hand serenely in the sunshine as before-"_

_  
"Without the sense of that which I forbore--- thy touch upon the palm," _Angel interrupted slowly and against her better judgment, almost against her very will she stood and slowly walked to sit beside him on the cot he had chosen, as she continued softly,

"_The widest land doom takes to part us, leaves thy heart in mine with pulses that beat double. What I do and what I dream include thee, as the wine must taste of its own grapes. And when I sue-" she _whispered, voice trailing off as she was suddenly, intensely aware of his close proximity to her, the hand he had somehow placed on her thigh. _"God for myself," _she murmured in a voice that did not sound like her own, more wanton and sensual than it had been in years as her head angled toward his and she gently placed a hand on Angel's chest, leaning forward as she whispered,_ "He hears that name of thine, and sees within my eyes the tears of t_wo-"

It was Angel who finally lost the thin thread of self-control pulsing between them, reaching his free hand tentatively up to caress her cheek and touching his lips to hers slowly.

This was not like their earlier kiss, but instead full of tenderness and memory as their eyes fluttered slowly shut and her hand came up to meet his, caressing it as his thumb slid carefully across her cheek and she slid her hand gently down his arm and along his back, moving her other hand across his chest and wrapping her arms around his neck so she could pull herself into his lap, deepening the kiss.

He groaned as her tongue flicked outward and licked his lips, pulling her closer against his better judgment and running the hand that still grasped her thigh higher, rewarded when she let out a gasp of her own and threw back her head as he began to suck on her throat and she somehow angled her head so that she could gently nibble on his earlobe as he did so-

"We can't" he gasped even as she threw her oversized sweater over her head, revealing a skimpy red camisole through which he could clearly see hardened nipples- and he groaned again as she ground down against him before touching her lips to his again, allowing her tongue to tangle violently with his for endless moments until they were both breathing heavily.

"We can't," he said again, all but shoving her to the floor as he pushed away from her with difficultly, feeling his erection straining uncomfortably against his pants as he stood and walked across the suddenly too small room with every bit of self control he possessed, sunned as she seemed undeterred by this, shimmying out of her blue jeans, revealing _oh dear god, is that a red thong-_

"See, this I what I don't get," she said breathlessly, laying back against the pillows and slipping a hand inside her panties, beginning to draw slow circles around her clitoris as he watched, mouth gaping. "250 years of sexual experience and it never occurred to you that maybe we could try mutual masturbation?"

--

_It had been a hard week. Feedback would make it better :P_


	14. Chapter 12: Why Do We Keep Pretending?

It took Angel all of five seconds to determine that this could not really be happening as he fought to form a coherent sentence, hopefully containing the words 'no, we shouldn't' and not 'take off your shirt' as she moved her other hand to caress her breasts.

"Buffy," he said with great difficulty, averting his eyes from her entirely as he tried to remember all the reasons this was a bad idea. "Stop."

"Angel," she countered, voice ever-so-slightly harsh, whether from desire or annoyance he was not entirely certain, "just take off your pants."

_No, this can definitely not be happening. _"I don't think- that's a good idea," he said tightly, still averting his eyes, which did no good at all as she let out a low moan and his gaze flashed up against his will just in time to see her arch upward as she licked her lips. _This is not a good idea. No, this is insanity. I've been back for less than 24 hours. She is a widow. There is a reason we can't do this which involves death and destruction-_

"I'm sorry," she near- purred, disrupting his thoughts as she suddenly crawled toward the end of the bed, skimpy camisole falling downward and giving him a prime view of _oh god, she's not wearing a bra- _"Did you want me to take them off for you?"

_She's been possessed. It is the only possible- _

And then she was standing in front of him and any hope of coherent thinking fled as her hands went to his belt, not hesitant and uncertain like he remembered but sure and efficient.

"I know," she said slowly, as she removed the belt with one swift movement and let it hit the floor with a soft thud, "you're thinking-" she sighed in frustration, then shrugged. "Actually, forget it- I have no idea what you're thinking. But I know that you want me. And I know that I have ALWAYS wanted you. Why do we keep pretending all the time?"

---

_I am not allowed to post certain things on FFN. Having said that, there is a delicious description of what exactly goes on here that can be found at: momentofbored-livejournal-com (replace – with . )should anyone be interested ;) All you really need to know though is… things happen and when we next see our heroes they are about to fall asleep together :P_

_---_

"Buffy-" he tried to begin even as he snaked an arm around her unconsciously, and she put a finger to his lips.

"Shhhhh," she whispered. "I know. And I think that this would be best utilized as quiet time, okay?"

With that, she gently twined one leg through his and closed her eyes.

---

Buffy stirred what might have been hours or minutes later for all she knew at this particular moment. She felt Angel's arms still around her, body warm from a night of lying beside her, and turned to face him, small smile on her face as she murmured "Good morning," sleepily, looking more content than he'd seen her in a very long time, and he almost couldn't do it.

Almost.

"Good morning," he replied coolly, pulling away from her as her brow furrowed in confusion and he stepping over to where his pants had been abandoned on the floor, pulling them on in one swift motion before reaching for his shirt- only to drop it as though he'd been burned when he saw it had practically been shredded in half. He heard rather than saw her sit up as she asked gently, suddenly sounding far more alert,

"Are you okay?"

"I was just wondering where you learned all that," he forced himself to reply blandly, steeling himself before turning to face her, instantly regretting the decision as he saw confusion and the beginning of hurt flash over her features as he continued, determined to protect her no matter what it cost him "But then, I'm sure Spike was an excellent teacher."

"You must be joking," she said, standing with a sheet wrapped tightly around her as she headed in the direction of he own discarded pants and he continued,

"Or was he not the only one? I assume he was the first, but-"

Buffy's jaw dropped and she trembled with barely concealed rage as she snapped, "Not that it's any of your business, but I never did that with Spike. Spike fucked me like a-"

She looked remorseful even before the words were out of her mouth, stopping short of whatever she was going to say, and despite the fact that he knew he had goaded her into it, Angel felt like he had been sucker punched directly in the gut.

"You know I didn't mean that," she said almost at once, a sort of quiet desperation in her voice as she prayed he knew that was true. "I just don't- why are you saying this to me?"

The pained expression on her face almost broke his heart until a new idea occurred to him and he felt his mind harden once more as he said coldly, "I'm not Angelus, if that's what you're thinking. It would take more than mediocre- well, you know- to accomplish that."

To his surprise she looked mostly amused at that statement before rolling her eyes. "Well, duh and duh," she retorted sharply, shimmying into her jeans. "In case you missed it, that was sort of the point. And," she said, eyes flashing, "Contrary to what you seem to think, I'm not a TOTAL idiot. I can tell the two of you apart." She smirked slowly, adding, "Besides, even if I couldn't, the fact that you can't even bring yourself to use the words mutual masturbation in front of me would sort of be a giveaway. God! When are you going to realize-"

"It doesn't matter," he cut her off heavily in what she had come to recognize as his 'this is the final word' voice, and she felt intense anger at the fact that he would take that tone with her after everything even before he completed the statement with, "Last night was a mistake. Let's not make it worse by-"

"A mistake?" she asked incredulously, letting out a disbelieving snort. "Well, it's nice to see that your speech doesn't get more creative over the years. Good ole reliable Angel, always good for a heartbreak."

He sighed, running a hand through his hair. "Buffy, let's just admit it was a mistake-" he began again, then trailed off, and she wondered if he would ever realize how maddening she found that, how many more hours she had spent agonizing over his millions of half-started thoughts than things he'd actually said outright-

"Care to elaborate?" she demanded harshly. "Or are we still with the cryptic?" After a long moment of silence she sighed. "Okay, then, I guess it's safe to say that we're still with the cryptic." She frowned. "Which actually, I have to tell you, is kind of disappointing." She shook her head. "But I guess that doesn't matter. Why don't we talk about what we can rule out in terms of this whole 'mistake' idea? First of all, I think it's safe to say that that was NOT mediocre." She paused, and then added decisively, "In any way. It doesn't have to be intercourse to be worth something, or were they not teaching that in 17th century Ireland?"

"Actually it was 18th century-"

"My God!" she cried out in disbelief, throwing her oversized sweater over her head and stalking toward him what could only have been perceived as angrily. "You really will say ANYTHING to avoid an actual honest conversation, won't you?"

"Buffy, you're just not hearing me," he said with a tormented sigh. "Why- why open up that kind of pain when it's so simple. Last night WAS a mistake, it will NOT happen again, and I'm sorry to have-"

"Well, I am NOT sorry," she fired back, before looking him in the eye and adding, far more softly but with infinite certainty, "And I don't think you really are either. I just don't get why you-"

Something in him seemed to snap as she began to analyze his feelings and he grabbed her sharply, shaking her slightly as he demanded, "When are you going to understand? We cannot do this. I am not WORTH this. You deserve-"

She yanked away from him, rolling her eyes. "Oh, wait! I know this speech too! And you know what? I am DAMN sick of your goddamned 'I am an evil creature who is worth shit' philosophy. The HELL with you! God forbid that a good person should actually get to experience some happiness," she said, voice shaking with the effort it was taking to neither burst into tears, slap him, or kiss him senseless. "God forbid that-"

"I am not a person," he cut her off harshly, and she opened her mouth to protest the statement before her face crumbled and the first of the tears she'd been suppressing trailed down her cheek.

"Okay," she said in a small voice, hating how pathetic and young she sounded. "Fine. Say that that's true. What about me?" Another tear trailed down her face as she took a tentative step closer to him. "Am I not a good person? Do I not deserve happiness? Forget yourself and your STUPID ideas about who you are for **half a minute** here and think about me."

He swallowed hard past the lump in his throat, forcing his voice not to shake as he replied, "You're all I ever-"

"No!" she cried, cutting him off with a sob and taking another step toward him, reaching out a shaking hand before letting it fall ineffectually to her side in a sort of defeat. "Think about ME. Don't think about what you think I deserve to have in life and don't think about some ridiculous, irrelevant, outdated picture you have in your head about what MY LIFE should be like and what would make me happy and what I want. I'm not a little girl anymore. I'm 28 years old and I'm done being cookie dough. And I really have to say, I think the cookie dough analogy was always wrong anyway, because even when I was becoming, I was myself and I-" she shook her head, frustrated at her inability to explain before beginning again, "For all your efforts to protect me, I have never been normal. I have never had a normal life. And anything I EVER had that was normal, including, GOD help me, my children, paled in comparison to how happy I was with YOU." She took a deep breath, crossing the rest of the gap between them and placing her hands firmly on his arms, looking earnestly into his face. "So what about ME? Do I not deserve happiness?"

"You know," he said with difficulty, voice rough from the effort it was taking him not to cry himself, "That that's all I've ever wanted for you."

Her face contorted briefly with an emotion Angel didn't wholly recognize as she grasped his arms tighter, inquiring almost desperately, "Then WHY can't you believe that happiness to me is you? Is it NO indication whatsoever to you that every time I see you I-"

His brow furrowed in confusion as he inquired "You…?"

"Just want to bask," she said softly after a long moment. "I told you that once, right? And I-"

"No one should bask in me," he cut her off coldly, turning from her, and Buffy felt some long-strained thread inside her finally snap as her face fell one final time before suddenly growing detached. "Fine," she whispered slowly, "You win." Frowning slightly at the unfamiliar words on her tongue, she said them again, louder, "You win," pleased when he turned back toward her despite feeling the pressing need to avert her eyes from his almost immediately, stooping down under the pretext of picking up her red thong. "I am done," she continued, voice gaining strength as she felt all the years of frustration finding an outlet. "In fact, I am so beyond done that I need a new word for done." She blushed, looking slightly abashed as she muttered, half to herself, " Though I do somehow feel this would have more impact if I weren't holding the shredded remains of a red thong that you RIPPED OFF MY BODY less than-"

He looked at her, pain in his eyes. "I'm sorry about that, it was-"

"Oh my god!" she cried in exasperation. "NO more sorry! Do I look sorry? The only thing better than you ripping it off me was the expression on your face as you did it." She shook her head in something resembling disgust. "But this just proves my point. It's not about me. It NEVER was. It's all about you and your insane need to punish yourself for things that, newsflash! you didn't even do! And I can't change that, can I?" Her eyes locked with his for an uneasy moment before she whispered sadly, "No matter how much I- I- it's just never enough."

She shook her head, closing her eyes for a moment and hoping for strength as she continued, louder, "Well FUCK this. I mean FUCK it. This is the LAST time you do this to me. I am DONE. If Ethan showed up right now and wanted to stake you I would stand back and LET him, that is how sick of your shit I am. Because, you know, love is so-"

"Well, that's certainly heartening to hear," Buffy suddenly heard from behind her and she turned around slowly in dismayed disbelief to see Ethan standing at the door, surrounded by men. "I was concerned I was going to need to fight both of you."


	15. Chapter 13: Get Out of Here

Buffy surveyed the situation, blinking rapidly as Ethan entered the room flanked by what appeared to be at least 20 strong men.

"GOD!" she blurted in frustration. "Seriously, why do you hate me? I mean, being the chosen one wasn't enough? Why do I never ONCE get the opportunity to have anyone believe for, I don't know, _twenty seconds_ that I mean one of my threats?"

"You don't have to fight us," Ethan told her, voice sincere. "Just join us. You can reunite with your children. You can move back home. Just give us Angel."

As Angel watched the emotions play across Buffy's face at the mention of her children, he was glad he didn't have a heart because he was sure it would have broken.

"Tempting," she said softly after a long moment, "But I'm going to have to go with a 'not on your life'"

And with that she launched herself toward the nearest man.

--

Angel cringed as he saw Buffy hurled into a nightstand, the wood splintering under her weight and its contents spilling out all around her. He was flabbergasted as, moments later, she threw a ring toward him from the wreckage. He caught it reflexively, not even sure why as she shouted "Put it on!"

He did so without question, half expecting to be infused with a sudden burst of strength or some power, surprised when he felt nothing but the cold metal against his skin.

"Now get out of here!" he heard her scream from somewhere behind him, evidently having managed to get to her feet, and he grunted as one of the men made solid contact with his jaw.

"In case you haven't noticed, the odds aren't exactly in our favor NOW," he bit out, flooring the man with an angry roar. "If you think I'm leaving you here ALONE to-"

"Oh get over yourself," she snapped cruelly. "All you do is distract me anyway! Now get OUT of here!"

"I am not-" he began before being thrown to the floor by an onslaught of three men.

"I swear to you," he heard her cry before she let out her own cry of pain before continuing; "I won't let him take me alive."

"I'm not sure that's comforting," Angel snapped, lashing out viciously and somehow managing to get to his feet once more.

"Okay, and I swear I won't die," she quipped before hissing as a man kicked her hard in the gut. "PLEASE," she continued, and something in her voice gave him pause as she near-whispered, "We're less vulnerable right now alone."

And as Angel took a real look at the scene around him, objectively, he was forced to admit that she might be right. She would be less vulnerable without him to worry about…

"Make sure I don't need to come rescue you," he growled before diving out the nearest window.

--

The second Buffy was certain Angel was far enough away that not even his unnaturally sensitive ears would hear her she threw up her hands in defeat, saying loudly, "I surrender!"

Ethan almost choked in disbelief. "You- surrender?"

"That's right," she nodded calmly. "Do whatever you want with me, it doesn't matter now. Just please- don't hurt my children."

Ethan smiled sympathetically, holding up a hand and gesturing for his men to drop their weapons as he said gently, "Poor child. I suppose I should tell you the truth: Your children are dead."

--

_Hey all! Believe it or not, I think the story is nearing its conclusion… a few more chapters and it should be wrapped up :) Sorry this one is so short, life has been slightly frantic…_

_And please! Leave feedback! It inspires me to continue and means more than you know :)_


	16. Chapter 14: Me

_Sorry for the long delay. Writers block met a heavy work schedule and led to general unproductively. Sadly, not much of B&A together in this chapter, but! At long last! Some answers :-) I promise next time will have much Bangel frolicking through the fields joyfully action (or, you know, general angst, but who's keeping track?)_

Angel gasped in surprise as someone tapped him on the shoulder out of nowhere as he tried to unobtrusively hover in the corner of a run down bar he had stopped in on his way to- somewhere that was not with Buffy. He instantly knew that the creature, beautiful as she was, could not be human, and he jumped away warily, wondering how to assume a defensive stance without attracting attention even as she smiled at him, holding up her hand.

He was confused for a long moment before realizing she was sporting a gold band exactly identical to the one Buffy had frantically insisted he put on brief hours before, and he eyed her warily before asking shortly, "Who are you?"

"Questions later," she hissed, rather roughly taking his hand and pushing him through a back door he had not seen, and as they entered an empty room Angel looked around in confusion before she kicked a carpet out of the way and, opening a hatch, jumping down.

Out of options, Angel followed.

--

Buffy allowed herself to be roughly shoved into an unfurnished room, falling to the floor without so much as a whimper and pulling her knees up to her chest, not even looking at what was going on around her

"I trust some time alone to clear you head may provide some clarity," Ethan said with a knowing look before exiting the room.

Too proud to make a sound, Buffy allowed silent tears to run down her face. _I have noting. No husband. No children. No friends. No Angel._ In that second she wanted to curl up and die, feeling painful defeat in a way she hadn't since she was seventeen years old and had realized-

And suddenly she heard his voice, unbidden, in her head.

"_Take all that away and what's left?"_

Her chin jerked up sharply in epiphany as she whispered aloud, "Me."

--

Angel looked around him carefully, scrutinizing the situation as best he was led into a well lit underground room. He looked around him in alarm at the massive number of vampires and demons, for the first time fearing it was a trap, trying to make sense of what was going on even as he noted that they were all wearing the same bizarre ring Buffy had so carelessly thrown at him earlier.

"Who are you?" one asked warily, breaking the terrible silence, and before he could even open his mouth to answer, a small voice to his right supplied,

"Angelus," with a short sigh and he whirled to look at her in disbelief, trying to remember the name of Darla's sire, who he had only met once before in a rather violent clash before saying briefly,

"Katharine?"

"I don't know how you could stand it," she said darkly, coming toward him with a small frown. "Having a soul all that time. It's only been a few years for me, and already I feel like I want to die-"

"Is Drusilla here?" he asked in confusion, remembering his childe's liking of the vampire, despite Darla's warnings, surprised when she laughed shortly.

"They killed Dru months ago. Mrs. Giles took it hard-"

"Wait-" he began, blinking in confusion as he looked around him, trying to process the vampire was saying as he looked around in continued confusion. "You know Buffy? And- you have souls?"

Katharine looked at him in genuine confusion. "Didn't she tell you? You must have been with her, how else how would you have gotten the ring of preservation?

Angel felt more confused by the second before heavily sitting down on a chair.

"Explain," he said shortly, trying to make sense of it all as at least four demons started speaking at once.

--

Buffy leapt to her feet as Ethan reentered the room.

"Gutsy of you to come alone," she observed coolly and he shot her a knowing smile.

"I see you've come to your senses somewhat," he said in a satisfied tone. "Good."

"I'd like a change of clothing," she said dully, surprised when he smirked.

"And what are you offering me in return?"

She met his eye. "I know where the last of the resistance is hiding. I can take you to them."

He looked at her, eyes suspicious but alive with interest. "And what do you want in return?"

She met his gaze coolly. "To be left the FUCK alone for the rest of my life, however long that may be. No more calling on me as the slayer, no more snippy social calls where you throw my husbands death in my face, no more accusations." Her voice shook slightly as she continued, "And you will never touch anyone I love again. You'll leave my friends alone, you'll leave whatever family I manage to make alone, you'll leave my pet GOLDFISH alone. Are we clear?"

He nodded slowly. "If you stay out of my way I promise to stay out of yours."

She laughed bitterly. "Oh, and your word is good? No way. I want it in writing. I want it in PUBLIC. I want you to announce to the world that you no longer consider me a traitor and that you're letting me retire in peace."

He nodded once more, shooting her a smile that did not fully conceal his admiration. "Give me an hour to call a press conference."

She shot him a hard look. "Get me my change in clothing. And nothing cheap or trashy. I want to look good."

He nodded. "It's done."

--

Angel nodded understanding as the vampires around him conveyed all that he had already been told, blissfully in chronological order- the Apocalypse in LA had been a disaster. Buffy had rushed down there to do damage control and barely escaped with her life, her fellow slayers not having been so lucky. Ethan Rayne had showed up at the last possible moment, emerging a hero and, in the face of enormous press coverage had had seized on the panic to take over, aided by a reluctant Buffy and Giles.

The three of them had embarked on a campaign to 'clean up' what remained of evil in the world, overlooking one tiny detail-

"There wasn't evil left in the world," Katharine finished shortly. "Whatever happened when the Circle of the Black Thorn was defeated was major- we were all ensouled, demons lost the desire to kill-"

"And the people who took over didn't care," Angel said flatly, beginning to piece it all together, surprised when a demon interrupted,

"Oh, Mrs. Giles cared. So did her husband. Very much. It just took them a while to figure it out, since it didn't occur to any of us to try to reason with the slayer as she murdered one by one-"

"And it didn't occur to them that you weren't inflicting harm on humans anymore?" Angel questioned and was met with tired shrugs.

"They didn't know. And Rayne certainly didn't care- he just wanted to look like he was doing the community a service by ordering our extermination; he didn't give a second thought to the reality."

"How did Giles- er, Mr. Giles," Angel began awkwardly, "figure out that-"

"Didn't. It was his wife. No one was ever really clear on the details, but she found- actually," Katharine smiled slightly, it was Drusilla." He just nodded wordlessly as she continued, "Dru didn't know well enough not to beg for her help and for whatever reason Mrs. Giles believed her enough to do some investigating. It was her husband who figured out what had actually transpired, but she was the one to get the ball rolling-"

Angel swallowed hard. "What happened then?"

"They thought Rayne didn't know what was going on and tried to tell him. It didn't take long for them to figure out he didn't care- and then they discovered that he had been the one causing all the violence that had happened in the world since the apocalypse. Of course, he had blamed it on demons-"

Angel blinked, trying to wrap his mind around what sounded totally irrational yet must be true.

"They decided to go along with what he was doing outwardly but set up massive underground networks to help us all- even kept a lot of us in their house at one point." Katharine's brow furrowed. "Not really sure exactly what their ultimate plan was- you'll need to get that from her sometime- but they helped us any way they could. Not at all prejudiced people- both of them always looked for the commonality in all creatures- though it was very hard for her, I think, to really realize the cruelty that can lie in regular people-"

Angel knew he should be asking relevant, pertinent questions about this evil and future plans, but found that the only thing he really wanted to know was ridiculously insignificant and petty, and he blurted, unable to stop himself, "What were they like together?"

The demons and vamps surrounding him all looked confused. "Who?" one finally inquired.

"Buffy and- I mean, Mr. and Mrs. Giles," Angel amended, feeling almost insane linking their names together in that way even as he knew it was the only way that any of these beings had ever known them- that it must seem natural to them.

One shrugged. "Affectionate. He didn't smile very much except for when she was around, but she teased him pretty relentlessly." A small smile. "He liked it."

"I guess," another ventured, "They seemed very in tune with each other- very much the same in essentials-"

"Essentials?" Angel questioned a bit sharply, locking eyes with Katharine, who clarified,

"Selfless," meeting his eyes. "It was clear there was a lot of love and a lot of history there." She smiled slightly, analyzing his face closely before adding, "I'm not as sure about passion." Her small smirk faded as she added somberly, "She was very much changed after he was captured-"

"You can say that again," a voice quipped suddenly from the doorway and Angel looked up in surprise to see Buffy wielding a longbow, pointing it directly at his heart. "Turns out you were right all along," she said, addressing Angel slowly, "All I've got is me. And it's time for a little bit of selfish, don't you think? At least that way maybe my children won't be killed next time-"

"Buffy, what are you-" he began slowly before at least fifty men pushed into the small room behind her, all similarly armed.

"Bringing the fight," she said with a defiant lift of her eyebrow before sending the arrow flying.

--

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	17. Chapter 15: What Black Magic Can Do

Angel closed his eyes, expecting the arrow to be flying through his heart at any second- and was stunned when he heard someone else cry out in alarm. His eyes flashed open, and he disbelievingly saw one of the men who had entered the room with Buffy doubled over in pain, arrow protruding from his side.

For a long moment the room was still as everyone tried to determine what was going on, before Buffy chirped, "Oh, I'm sorry. Did I forget to mention that I don't kill innocent things?"

Angel flinched, hardly able to form a coherent thought as she tossed him the longbow she was holding, talking advantage of everyone's continued uncertainty to elbow the two men next to her sharply, disarming them and tossing the crossbows they were carrying to the two vampires nearest to her. "Try not to kill them if you don't have to- they're human," she shouted to the demons and vampires huddled in the room, and, though Angel still didn't understand what was going on, they seemed to, springing into action with speed Angel wouldn't have guessed that they still possessed. As the first punches were thrown and arrows flew past him he wondered what exactly Buffy was doing even as she somehow managed to render two men unconscious with a single punch. An arrow sharply grazed his shoulder, disrupting his musings, and he decided to save thinking for later as he launched into the fray with a growl, seeing Buffy throw swords to an unarmed demon before being knocked down by a vicious punch. Without thinking Angel sent an arrow flying through the chest of the man who did it, pausing only to make sure Buffy had regained her footing before viciously lashing out at the man nearest to him.

--

Buffy groaned as she was kicked to the floor yet again before rolling out of the way and leaping up, unsurprised to find herself next to Angel in the midst of all the mayhem. For half a second she flashed back to a simpler time, a time when fighting next to him had seemed as natural as breathing and if you had dumped her in the middle of Times Square on New Years Eve she could have pinpointed his location, _exactly_, in less than sixty seconds-

"What are you playing at?" he growled, snapping her out of her thoughts and she bit back a comment about how ironic it was that he actually wanted to have a real conversation NOW of all times before snapping back,

"I'm sorry. There was no other way."

"No other way for WHAT?" he demanded, deflecting a punch and sending a man flying against the nearest wall, and despite herself Buffy cringed as she heard bones cracking.

"Had a dream earlier," she bit out shortly. "Didn't really get it- it was crazy. I mean, what the hell could my mind possibly be telling me by making me hear the words 'the flowers don't make it real', right?"

For the first time he allowed himself to entertain the possibility that she had honestly lost her mind, forced to admit, if only to himself, that he couldn't very well blame her if she had, not after everything she'd gone through- and he cringed as he realized sharply, for the first time, how much of that must be due to himself and his unsuccessful efforts to protect her by leaving her even when every fiber of his being had been screaming at him to just grab onto her and never let her go-

"Buffy, what are you talking about?" he asked sharply, forcing himself to focus on reality and not long-forgotten dreams as she sent a man flying with a sharp roundhouse kick before grabbing the crossbow he dropped and using it to send an arrow flying into another man's back.

"Okay," she started babbling quickly as she deftly dodged a kick, and even as he tried to focus on her words he was fascinated by the casual grace with which she fought, her unflinching agility- "Do you remember what I was saying about the prophesy earlier?"

Angel blinked in confusion, trying to recall what she was talking about , finding it harder than it should have been to remember amidst all the confusion- "The one about Giles," he said abruptly, glad to remember even as he had to deal with the realization that she was only doing this for her dead husband- that her only motivation was- _focus, damnit_, he berated himself before continuing, "You were supposed to marry Giles so that-"

"No," she said, and her voice sounded odd to him, brimming with emotion and yet- at the same time, eerily calm, totally detached. "Not about Giles. About you and me."

Angel was totally stunned for a moment, and the man nearest to him took advantage of his momentary distraction to send him slamming into the floor. Despite himself, Angel felt as though he couldn't move if his life depended on it, grateful as Buffy sprang into action, slamming a piece of debris over the man's head before shooting Angel a dangerous, warning look as he scrambled to his feet.

"I didn't get it at first, either," she continued, still in that same unnatural tone before she snorted sarcastically. "Meaning for about four years, but when it hit me earlier, I couldn't believe how obvious it was."

"Buffy, PLEASE," Angel implored, hating the pleading note his voice had taken on even as he continued to fight. "What are you saying?"

She met his eyes briefly before taking a shaky breath, seeming to steel herself before saying slowly, "I dated some guy my senior year of high school for a little while." She paused and grunted, dodging a punch before she added, "I don't remember his name."

"Scott," Angel supplied softly, stunned that she would actually forget something that had caused him so many hours of silent agony years ago, recalling days spent torturing himself as he wondered what she and Scott were doing- if she loved him- if she kissed him like- He shook his head, trying to clear it, and couldn't help but smile at the irony of it all- that in the end, ten years later, she couldn't even remember the name of the boy he had once worried owned her heart-

Buffy shoot him a small smile, looking surprised. "Scott," she nodded slowly. "Nice enough guy. Bought me a claddagh ring. I freaked out. Obvious reasons," she added briefly as her fist solidly connected with a man's jaw. "Talked to Willow about it at the time, and she looked the rings up online so she could see what they looked like. And she found out they used to be wedding rings." Buffy shrugged. "Wasn't really interested. I sort of filed it away into the 'things I just can't think about because they cause me too much agony category' and forgot about it."

"Buffy, the POINT!" Angel exclaimed in frustration as he was knocked to the floor by two unnaturally strong men and she looked at him in concern before blurting quickly,

"The prophesy wasn't very specific about a lot of things. I had to get married, I had to be younger than twenty-five, we had to fight in a final battle together, and he had to defy death." She smirked wryly. "I'd say death has been defied-"

"Buffy, we weren't-" he began, but she cut him off sharply, almost frantically.

"In my dream- I think Willow was trying to tell me it's about the INTENT. The ceremony with Rupert wasn't what made our marriage real. It's the _intent_. Angel- you and I pledged ourselves to one another and we consummated the bond. I think we were married. I think the prophesy is about us," she blurted. "And so there needed to be a final battle and we both needed to be in it and so I brought it to you."

Angel often chose not to speak, but rarely did he have no idea what to say, and he was surprised to realize this was one of those moments as he felt dizzily speechless. He settled for looking at her as though she were crazy for a long moment before inquiring,

"What about the part where the person you married needed to be human?"

"Haven't quite figured that one out yet," she admitted gingerly as she dived to the floor to avoid an arrow.

"If you're wrong?" he demanded shortly.

There was an excruciating pause before she responded emotionlessly, "I guess we die."

"So now what?" he demanded sharply, angered when she shrugged, looking ambivalent.

"Well, either I'm right," she grunted as she jumped over a lifeless body, "In which case no worries, we can't lose- oh!" she cried as a man sent her sprawling to the floor and she rolled out of the way before chirping sarcastically, "Or I'm wrong, in which case, look on the bright side- it will be over soon!"

--

Over an hour later Buffy was beginning to rue her words as the battle showed no sign of easing. She let out a sharp cry of pain as she was thrown against the wall before springing back with difficulty, energy suddenly renewed as she caught sight of Ethan. Locking eyes with her as she rushed toward him he started to chant softly in Latin, and Angel cringed as he surveyed the scene, wondering what Ethan could possibly be planning now. His alarm heightened, however, as Buffy's eyes suddenly flashed yellow and she began chanting in Latin herself.

"Buffy!" he screamed, fearing she was possessed, jumping toward her and tackling her to the ground, confused when her eyes became hazel again and she looked at him in annoyance.

"What are you doing?" she demanded.

"He was making you-" Angel began, looking over to Ethan, confused to see the older man seemed breathless.

"He wasn't making me," Buffy said, looking at him like he'd lost his mind. "I was counteracting his spell."

Angel looked at her incredulously. "You can't do magic. You told me earlier you can only do level two spells-"

She shot him a withering glance that spoke louder than any words possibly could before quipping, "Yeah, about that. I lied." She looked briefly sympathetic before shoving him off of her, rolling to her feet. "Sorry. If it makes you feel any better not even Rupert knew- I couldn't let anyone think I was a bigger threat than I already was- it would have been-"

Her gaze grew panicked as she realized Ethan was chanting once more and she locked eyes with Angel, her own eyes clearly conveying her fear before her face suddenly cleared. "Complimenting each other perfectly," she murmured gaze far away before focusing on him. "Do you know anything about spells?" she inquired abruptly, and he could only shake his head.

"This'll be interesting," she muttered sarcastically before making a visible effort to pull herself together despite the near-panic permeating the room. She took a deep breath, fighting for inner calm as she pulled Angel to a corner of the room, out of Ethan's sight before saying rapidly, "Okay. The ten second crash course. Spells aren't really about the words- they're about energy and intent." Her eyes flashed upward to meet his and he almost shivered at the intensity contained within them as she continued, "It's hard because you need to pick the right one and-" she paused before flushing slightly, "I'm sorry, I really don't have time to explain it all right now-"

He looked at her, ten million questions in his head, at least as many doubts, but in the midst of it all, he felt quiet and complete certainty about one thing- despite all of it, the madness and the hurt and the pain, he still trusted her more than he trusted himself. "It's okay," he said quietly, meeting her eyes. "You don't have to explain. Just tell me what to do."

She looked at him for a long moment, gratitude clearly in her eyes before grabbing his hand and slowly twining her fingers through it. Despite himself Angel marveled at the fact that a moment that was one of the most stressful of his life could somehow also become one of the most sensual as a shiver went through him and he felt their power meshing incredibly before Buffy whispered, "Just clear your mind and try to direct your energy toward whatever it is you know to be _true._"

And as Buffy closed her eyes and began to chant in Latin once more Angel fought to center himself and do as she requested, relieved that the demons around him seemed to be unquestioningly dedicated to protecting him and Buffy as they just stood there, defenseless- and he mentally berated himself for thinking of that at all as he tried to do what she requested, alarmed as he realized there wasn't much he believed to be true anymore- much less knew to be-

And then suddenly, unbidden, her face was in front of him, not as it was now, but as it had been right after her eighteenth birthday, and he could see the scene in his mind as though he were living it again- fireplace burning brightly, light reflecting off her face and giving it a glow that made him want more than anything to kiss her as she gazed at him, face alert but content as she arched an eyebrow in invitation before pouting slightly at his evident refusal to take her up on it _god she was SO young- _and then, suddenly, something in her expression shifted slightly and she tilted her head, looking at him as though she could see right through him, absolutely, and in that moment he knew that no words would ever be necessary between them, not really, as she smiled lightly and her eyes met his, unquestioning, loving, accepting- and he knew, with certainty, that this moment between them, so brief and yet full of exquisite understanding, was true.

Angel gasped as a white light suddenly flashed around he and Buffy and he found himself back in the present, the room around him shaking.

"Whatever you did," Buffy said breathlessly, "Nice," and despite himself he felt his gut twist as he looked at her, so similar and yet so different from the girl who had once comprised his truth-

"What's going on?" he questioned, pushing thoughts that he feared would only hurt him out of his mind, and she looked around her at Ethan's men, who were rapidly falling at the hands of demons and vampires before saying,

"I did a spell to counteract any glamours that are in the room-"

He blinked at her in confusion. "Glamours?"

"Illusions," she clarified, sighing when he continued to look confused. "Those men were freakishly strong," she elaborated as though it were obvious, tossing her head slightly. "I figured Ethan had probably cast some spell to give them strength-"

As Angel looked around at the battle which their side was now obviously winning, he felt new admiration for her as he said, "You know, you jump to conclusions more than anyone I've ever known- but strangely, you're usually right."

She smirked caustically. "Yeah, whatever," she retorted bitterly before whipping her head around as she saw Ethan trying to flee the room out of the corner of her eye. "Gimmie a minute," she said, fierce determination naked on her face. "I have some ass to kick."

--

Ethan cringed as Buffy flew through the air to land in a crouching position in front of him, effectively blocking his exit. "You want out?" she asked breathlessly. "Over my dead body." She smiled sardonically. "Take that one as literally as you want."

--

Angel stumbled slightly as saw the last of the humans in the room rendered unconscious by a particularly vicious punch, trying not to think about the fact that he was feeling weaker by the second for reasons he couldn't understand. He looked toward Buffy, who seemed to be working out her issues on a vastly outclassed Ethan Rayne. Angel tried to take a step toward her and almost fell over, grabbing onto a chair that had remained intact during the fight to try to regain his balance, and was confused when, despite his best efforts, he fell to his knees.

"And this is for my children!" he heard Buffy scream as though from very far away as she plunged a sword through Ethan's stomach before kicking him to the floor with a sob, collapsing forward and being caught by a chaos demon as Angel let out a sharp cry of pain, feeling as though the world was exploding around him before everything went black.

--

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	18. Chapter 16: Sunglasses

Buffy sat up with a groan, blinking in confusion at the fluorescent lighting around her before she heard a voice say gently, "Relax yourself- I hear it was quite a fight."

"Where am I?" she asked blankly, turning her head to see what appeared to be a nurse.

"At New York State hospital," the woman smiled kindly "The press is dying to see you but we've told them you'll need to be kept for observation for at least another 24 hours-"

"The press?" Buffy asked blankly, trying without success to figure out what was going on, frustrated when the nurse just nodded, oblivious to her confusion. She looked around the room slowly, eyes resting on the TV perched on the wall. "Can I turn that on?" she asked after a moment, not waiting for an answer as the grabbed for the remote control. She sighed in frustration as an old cartoon show popped up before continuing to flip stations, paused as she hit upon a station broadcasting news and saw one of the men who she clearly remembered rendering unconscious in the battle talking to the channel five news team amid the wreckage they had wrought.

"So, obviously, we all think she's gone crazy," he was saying vehemently. "Like, totally whacked, trying to help demons and vampires. But then, when I saw that vamp turn into a human being, I'm telling you, it was like a sign from god that we were the wrong ones. I couldn't believe it. Like, one second he's all- well, vampy, and the next thing we know he's breathing- and then there was the whole thing where Mr. Rayne lied to her about her kids- it just didn't make any sense at all-"

Buffy frowned in confusion, flipping the station only to hear a news anchor say, "And in a shocking turn of events Ethan Rayne has been arrested for a host of crimes, including murder, arson, forgery, slander, libel, manslaughter, involuntary manslaughter, robbery, illegal and unwarranted use of witchcraft, discrimination against minorities-"

Buffy flipped the station again, head spinning, and dropped the remote control with a thud as she saw Angel, mobbed by reporters shoving their microphones in his face as he said uneasily, looking more uncomfortable than she had ever seen him, than she had in fact even realized was possible, "No, I REALLY have no comment. Excuse- please excuse me-"

"I don't understand," she said aloud as they continued to shout questions that he didn't answer, using some words she couldn't understand that she assumed must be Japanese… "What's Shang shu? And- why is he showing up on camera?" she continued slowly.

"Oh!" The nurse chirped. "I forgot. They said you lost consciousness before it happened."

"Before what happened?" Buffy asked slowly as the unfathomable image onscreen cut to a television studio.

"Before that vampire turned into a human being. I hear there was lightning and- OH GOD!" the nurse screamed as Buffy fell off the bed with a heavy thud.

--

Angel looked on from beneath the shade of a tree as Buffy stepped out in front of the city hall, both children in her arms, looking ready to topple over under their weight, and he marveled at how someone that strong could look so vulnerable- so beautiful.

He contemplated stepping out into the sun to be able to see her better, frustrated with himself for feeling uncomfortable doing so, as though the shadows were still his home even though he could step forward now if he wanted to- if he wasn't so irrationally fearful that she would see him and-

He pulled back further as she glanced his way, seeming to look right through him and making him fear for a moment that she had seen him, and he held his breath as she squinted almost desperately before looking almost mournfully away. She closed her eyes for a moment, seeming to collect herself before stepping forward toward a makeshift podium to speak into the microphone.

"Um- hi," she began uncertainly, blinking at the crowd in front of her. "I- uh, am really grateful for all of your support and for the fact that justice has been served here. I know that- we've all been afraid for a very long time, but- well, it looks like it's over now, and I'm just- really grateful," she repeated, hugging her children a bit closer before continuing with quiet vehemence. "The past few years have been pretty awful, but- everything that's happened now- I've taken comfort in the fact that I know my husband would have been proud. My only regret is that he isn't here to see it-"

And as he heard her mention Giles, something shifted slightly inside Angel, and without really hearing what else she might be saying he turned and began to walk away, thinking only that at least he could spare her the pain and confusion of trying to deal with him and his countless issues as she started her new life with her family. She would just be grateful that her children were alive and he couldn't bring himself to make her worry about any other complications. And somehow he didn't think he would survive watching her try to make herself feel things for him after all these years- seeing her eventual acknowledgement that the past few days had been little more than one giant mistake- seeing the look in her eyes as she realized that-

Angel spared one last look over his shoulder before he walked away into the sunlight.

--

Buffy looked down at her outfit nervously, pulling down self consciously on the black knee length skirt she was wearing and suddenly wishing vehemently that it was just one inch longer before knocking on the wooden, cheap looking motel door, crumpling the piece of scrap paper she'd written the address on in her hand and allowing it to flutter to the ground before pushing her sunglasses up half an inch higher on her nose, wishing suddenly that she could check her casually upswept hair and 'natural' looking makeup one more time before the door swung open to reveal a _very_ shirtless Angel.

"Can I come in?" she inquired shortly, forcing herself to ignore her heart's instinctual leap as he nodded mutely, stepping aside and yanking on a shirt as she kicked the door roughly closed behind her.

--

Angel looked at Buffy uncertainly as she took stock of the dimly lit room, pushing her sunglasses up so that they rested on her forehead as she walked in a slow circle, running her hand lightly over the wall, each movement so cool and controlled that it frightened him.

"Well," she said finally after what seemed like hours but he realized couldn't really have been more than a few seconds, "I have to give credit where it's due- even with the whole pesky humanity thing you can still vanish better than anyone I know. Took me six days to even figure out if you'd headed north or south, and believe me, people were willing to help."

"I didn't leave until I was sure you and your children-" he began but with one look at the withering glare on her face he cut himself off, gulping and looking down at the floor, trying to brace himself for whatever she might try to say, stunned when there was just a long, painful moment of silence followed by a biting, sarcastic,

"I can't even _tell_ you how _touched_ I am that you cared."

The room fell silent again, and Angel wondered if she were trying to give him time to say something, explain himself in some way- wondered if he should before deciding he didn't even know where he would start, what he could ever say to make her understand-

"I mean," she continued, voice breaking in what anyone else might have perceived as anger but he correctly identified as a sob, "It's pretty selfish of me to want to see you at all, right? Selfish of me to have come here. You're ready to start your new life, it's totally understandable that you want to be as far away from the woman who scars everything she touches as possible, but honestly, Angel- would it have killed you to let me see you?"

"I-" He began slowly, incredulously, swallowing with difficulty past the lump in his throat and for the first time hating his newfound humanity as it made him feel like his heart had stopped beating- "Didn't think you would want to see me. If I-" he swallowed again, hating that he needed to take a breath before he could finish, "If I was wrong about that, I apologize."

"Yeah," she said hollowly, shaking her head in disbelief. "You were always good at apologizing. Too bad you never quite mastered the skill of not ripping someone's heart out to begin with."

Angel looked at her in disbelief, feeling like someone had cut his own heart out before replying with difficulty, "I do want your forgiveness. For all of it. I know I don't deserve it-"

"Oh whatever," she said, in that same unfeeling, unnatural tone of voice. "Sure, okay? I forgive you, one hundred percent."

"No," he said slowly, taking a hesitant step toward her. "Really- I need to know that-"

"Why didn't you love me?" she asked abruptly, not seeming to know or care that she was changing the topic, and his head snapped back in disbelief at the question.

"I don't understand-" he began slowly and she bit her lip slightly, showing uncertainty for the first time since entering as she took a few steps forward before shaking her head and meeting his eyes.

"I'm not asking why you don't love me anymore- I don't really want to know and it doesn't matter. People fall out of love, whatever." She smiled sardonically. "Well, not really whatever, but I can accept that. It's life." She gulped, eyes fluttering downward before she continued, "And I'm not asking why you didn't tell me about the shanshu prophesy thing when you found out- we had been over for a while by then and I can understand that- you wouldn't have wanted to commit your humanity to me," she said with all appearance of calm even though he could almost hear her choking on the words. "I- understand why you don't want to now," she continued in a whisper, a single tear falling down her cheek and he fought the overwhelming urge to leap forward and crush her to him, tell her everything he'd been thinking and fearing and never let her go again-

"But-" she whispered slowly, "Why didn't you love me _then_? And why didn't you just have the courage to tell me instead of making me believe- making me hope-"

"Buffy," he said, voice heavy with emotion, "If you never believe anything else, believe that I loved you then more than I ever have or ever will love anything in my-"

"Please don't lie now," she said softly, voice slightly scratchy as she wrapped her arms around herself, swaying slightly to the side, looking younger and more uncertain than he would have dreamed possible, after all she'd gone through, after all this time- and then suddenly her eyes hardened, fists clenching as she began angrily, "All those things you said- 'Oh Buffy, I need to protect you! Oh Buffy I need you to have a normal life! Oh Buffy, Buffy, Buffy, _Buffy_'" she mocked harshly, before narrowing her eyes and hissing dangerously, "Buffy my ASS!"

His head snapped up in shock at her uncharacteristically crass last statement and to his amazement she abruptly pulled back and punched him _hard_, letting out a small sob as he fell backward. "How dare you just take it?" she screamed after a drawn out, painfully silent moment, punching him again. "How dare you try to make me feel bad for saying this?"

"I know I deserve-" he began firmly even as he felt blood start to pour from his lip, and she shook with barely suppressed rage, curling her fists at her sides in what he had to assume was a supreme effort not to hit him.

"Yes!_ Yes_ you do deserve it!" she said quietly, breath coming out in harsh pants before she continued, softer, slightly less harshly but with no less vehemence, "You sorry self serving bastard! All that time that I really thought-" her voice broke again as she continued, emotionally "I actually believed- and really you only left because you were mad you couldn't FUCK me!"

He flinched at the unbelievable unfairness of her words as he looked at her in consternation, wondering what the chances were that she had really lost her mind before he said firmly. "You know that is NOT true."

"The HELL it's not!" she bellowed as a tear fell down her face, closely followed by another as she continued to shake in a way that frightened him. "I know how it was! I was there! It took me a long time to understand because it wasn't like that for me. I mean-" she blushed, losing some of her momentum, and he would have smiled at the child-like expression on her face at another time.

In another world…

"I mean that- you know what I mean!" she snapped angrily, but he realized acutely that particular flash of anger was toward herself, not him. "Yeah, okay, the sex was mind numbing earth splitting oh my god oh my god," she said with sarcastic offhandedness she did not feel, knew he knew she did not feel… "But… I wanted YOU. In a very real, very PATHETICALLY young way, I wanted YOU. And you can stand there and tell me you wanted me to have a normal life all you want, but if I believe you then I also have to admit to myself that you're just-" she stopped, looking around her, seeming unable to find words that would accurately express what she was feeling before finally snapping "a FUCKING IDIOT!" She stopped abruptly, smirking cruelly. "Which is worse, lover?" she purred. "To be in love with a total idiot or a selfish, self-serving bastard?"

"I don't know," he said weakly and for a second he thought she was going to punch him again but she didn't, just pressed her lips together thoughtfully, lower lip trembling.

"Neither do I."

She was silent and Angel took a deep breath, shocked when he realized he had actually needed it before venturing a single step toward her, surprised when she didn't step away.

"I loved you that way too," he said softly. "Whether you believe me or not, I loved you that way too, more than you could ever know."

"No," she shook her head, lower lip trembling. "If you did you wouldn't have left me. We would have made it work, I know we could have and then-" and he flinched at how unexpectedly young and vulnerable she looked again, suddenly.

"Life's not like that, Buffy. Loving like that isn't enough."

"How do you know when you wouldn't even try?" She said, a small sob escaping her as she sank to her knees, all that had happened in the past two weeks catching up to her in one moment as she began to cry in earnest.

"Do you want me to tell you I wanted you so badly that every time I saw you I thought I would die from it?" he asked abruptly, switching tactics as he dropped to the ground beside her. "Do you want me to tell you that no, I don't think I would have made it another year- another month- without slamming you up against a wall and making you scream my name so loudly that-" he stopped, gulping, and crouched down in front of her, meeting her eyes. "Do you want me to pretend I didn't want your body? Fine. But don't ever ask me to pretend that I could ever have wanted your body that much without wanting your heart more. And don't ever pretend to me that you didn't want a boyfriend who breathed and fucked and-"

"I didn't, I swear I didn't," she cried out, sobbing openly now. "You're so stupid, you've always been so _stupid_… do you think I didn't want to die every time I saw you too? Kissing you was agony, because I wanted to do more and I couldn't, do you think I don't know? But I didn't want to- with anyone else- I mean, I would have rather not at all, I swear I would have-"

"I know. But- Buffy. Say we had decided to just both be celibate for the rest of our lives. Do you honestly think that we could have been celibate… together?"

"YES!" she cried out. "YES!" and he was struck again by how young she still was, tried to fight what it was making him feel. "Besides, there are other things," she said, flushing slightly before continuing, "Non-intercourse things that we could have tried- WHY DIDN'T WE TRY?" she moaned in agony. "I don't understand. I mean, we did some of it a few weeks ago and- well, clearly better than fine- why couldn't we have-"

"I couldn't," he cut her off slowly, definitely before continuing, reaching out a tentative hand to grab her hand and stunned when she grasped onto it instead of pulling away. "It was my weakness. Is that what you want me to say?" he asked in a defeated tone even as his fingers twined with hers. "That I'm weak and a coward? I am. I've always known it. Do you want me to say you're stronger than me? I've always known that, too… but I also know you wanted a normal boyfriend. You told me it was all you'd ever dreamed of- going to sleep at night in the arms of your normal boyfriend- and-"

"I would never have said that," she said dully, certainly, as she slowly pushed up off the floor and lett go of his hand.

"You did say it, when-" he stopped abruptly, suddenly wanting to bang his head against something sharp. "Nevermind."

"I would never have said that," she repeated, with more conviction. "And I know I would never have said it, because it would never have been true." She paused, seeming to genuinely contemplate. "Unless that normal boyfriend was you, but it's not like…" she flushed. "I mean- sometimes, yes, I wanted normal, I know that… I still want it, god you don't know how much, but if I had to choose between normal and you… Angel, I never, ever would have said that, because all I ever wanted, really, was you."

"I wasn't good enough," he said flatly.

"Oh no," she said, anger, building again. "No, NO, no!! You do NOT have the right to do the pity thing. You WERE good enough. Goddamn it, Angel! Even if you weren't, I WAS THE ONE WHO GOT TO DECIDE THAT! Your… ISSUES," she spit out in disgust, "should not have been MY problem, don't you dare try to pretend that they were. I loved you! And you just… you just decided for me, and I didn't…" she took a deep breath, then met his eyes. "Let's get one thing straight. If someone had ever told me that I could have all the normal in the world, no more evil, no more vamps, no more anything at all…the only condition was I never would have met you…I would have spit in their eye." He flinched.

"Then you're a fool."

And suddenly she laughed a, desperate, harsh sound that stopped as abruptly as it had begun. "I may be love's bitch," she said bitterly with a smirk that didn't quite reach her eyes, "But at least I'm man enough to admit it."

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_Hey! Sorry it's been so long since my last update- consider this a New Year present/miracle thingy :) I know the chapter ends on a bit of an odd note, but more will be coming soon… and reviews are appreciated beyond belief and make my life complete! Thanks for reading :-D_


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